


Beloved

by Deathtopi4



Series: I'll Never Let You Go [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, Fix-it fic, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mention of Past Abuse, Mutual Pining, Shuu and Kaneki are the hottest gossip topic in the black goat rumor mill, canon compliant then canon divergent, romantic book reading, shuu is a smitten dork, side etochie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2018-09-16 17:36:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9282668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deathtopi4/pseuds/Deathtopi4
Summary: Upon Kaneki's return from the CCG, Shuu finds himself closer to the man he loves than ever. Needless to say, he has a difficult time staying calmato.





	1. 134340

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not much of a fic writer, but the world needs more happy Shuuneki, so here's a thing. ¯\\_ツ_/¯
> 
> This starts at TG:re chapter 99. There are some scenes that match directly with canon - in these cases the bits of canon dialogue come from the Mangastream translation. Also, there will of course be spoilers. Honestly though, if you haven't actually read up to that part though, don't worry about it - the manga sucks and this is better. I'm not saying that to brag, the bar is just that low. If you happen to decide to read this without being caught up with the manga feel free to come ask me about canon events I might reference that confuse you ^.^ 
> 
> Btw, the book Shuu is reading at the beginning is Masks by Fumiko Enchi. I chose the book because it was conveniently sitting next to me at the time, but I do think that Shuu and Kaneki both would definitely enjoy reading super meta literature with gay overtones ;)
> 
> [A chapter-by-chapter playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLE3ECQ7hw3HHmWbviNVl_zvEqvnn3vp5F) for anyone interested. Read the description for the full list, as some songs aren't available on yt.

_“‘Are you sure you weren’t in love with her?’ Ibuki spoke half scornfully, but Yasuko gave her head a thoughtful tilt as she considered the question._

_‘In love? Perhaps I was, in a way. Whatever you want to call it, I discovered she was a was a woman of extraordinary abilities, and that discovery was a source of courage for me.’”_

 

Tsukiyama Shuu started, torn away from the book he was reading by the sound of his phone ringing.

“Yomo, hello!” he said brightly as he picked up.

“Hello, Tsukiyama.” Yomo responded. “Ken is here. Would it be alright if we came over soon?”

Shuu felt his stomach lurch. _Kaneki…_

“Uhh, Tsukiyama?” Yomo asked after the pause began to stretch out too long.

“Ah, yes, sorry, of course. Um, everything is ready. Come whenever you wish.” Shuu said quickly, flushing.

“Great, see you then.” _Click._

 

Tsukiyama sighed and ran a hand through his hair, willing his burning face to cool down. _Kaneki...was coming._ The last time Shuu had seen Kaneki Ken, Kaneki had thrown him off a building, among other things. A part of Shuu resented Kaneki for the events that had gone on that day, but the rest him knew that was Kaneki was probably just trying to make the best choices he could think of in a bad situation. Besides, Shuu had also done terrible things to Kaneki, and Kaneki had been willing to look past it. Shuu didn’t have half as good a heart as Kaneki, but he could still do the same. He doubted he could make himself hold a grudge against Kaneki even if he wanted to.

 

He had stopped denying to himself how he felt during the intervening years between Kaneki’s supposed “death” and his reappearance as Sasaki Haise. After all, It’s a bit hard to ignore the fact that you’re in love with someone when their absence sends you into a deep and spiraling depression. _Without Kaneki, the world is a dark and lonely place._

 

Shuu knew, objectively, that his past behavior had been… exceedingly silly, at best. The world did not revolve around Kaneki Ken. He had learned that the hard way, and yet…

 

And yet. Shuu loved Kaneki Ken. That was an inescapable fact of his life. Before he had met Kaneki, he had been lonely. He had a loving family and household, but they accepted him because he was the son of the Tsukiyama family. He never had to work to make them like him. When it came to the rest of the world, things were a bit more difficult. Plenty of people blindly fawned over him because of his money and status, sure. But he struggled to truly connect with people. His only real friend from his school days was Hori Chie, and he thanked his lucky stars every day that she had decided to stick by him, despite the danger and the fact that he very arrogantly used to call her his pet all the time.  

 

Kaneki however, was a bit of a different story. Shuu remembered clearly the Kaneki he had first met, his face sweet and earnest and willing to give Shuu a chance despite repeated warnings to steer clear. Of course, Shuu had gone and betrayed that trust multiple times over. When he saw Kaneki again, his hair was white and his eyes were hard. His heart had lifted when Kaneki gave him a chance yet again, despite his past actions. At the time, he had attributed his excitement to the joy of seeing his prey becoming even more enticing than he had been before. Now he knew better — he had never truly wanted to eat Kaneki. At least, not in the fatal way…

 

Shuu sighed and shook his head, willing his thoughts to stay out of the gutter. It was definitely not the time for that. He needed to prepare for Kaneki’s imminent arrival, not moon about like a lovesick fool.  

 

 

 

 

 

Kaneki arrived just after Shuu had finally managed to corral all of the most important members of their little group into the main room, with part of the :re crew and 0 squad in tow. Shuu, however, found his eyes drawn to Kaneki alone. He looked just as beautiful as Shuu remembered. “Mmm,” he moaned under his breath. _I thought my heart was prepared, but I was so, so wrong…._

 

A small corner of Shuu’s brain that was still functioning registered that Nishiki was asking about Banjou and the others. _Get it together,_ he scolded himself.  

 

“Mr. Banjoi and Mademoiselle Hinami are over at the lady investigator’s place. And it seems our other investigator friend is absent today.” Shuu quickly whipped his head back toward Kaneki, and gazed at him again. _He seems so serious…He’s been through so much,_ Shuu thought with a sad smile.

 

_Be cool, Shuu, be cool…_ “Welcome, my dear Kaneki. First, let us let what has transpired in the past be water under the bridge.”

 

“Tsukiyama…” Kaneki murmured.

 

“Oh?” Shuu exclaimed. Slightly overwhelmed by Kaneki just _being_ there, he hadn't quite noticed before, but... “An eyepatch? How nostalgic.”

 

“Ah… Well, there was an accident, and…” Kaneki replied before trailing off, looking uncomfortable. Shuu noticed Touka making an odd face in the background, but before he could think anything more of it, the whirlwind named Naki suddenly slammed into Kaneki.

 

Shuu groaned internally as Naki began shouting about his brother and killing Kaneki. _I would have liked to talk to him longer before everyone else started butting in…_ Soon Naki’s lackey’s were making a fuss about doves, and then of course Kurona had to start up about killing Kanou _yet again._ Not that the bastard didn’t deserve to be killed, but still. Shuu knew from personal experience how much Kaneki disliked Kanou, and the mad doctor’s status as a target really should have been a tad obvious at this point. Thankfully the others quieted down as Miza spoke up to introduce herself, mentioning that Shuu had saved her during the island battle. “Non, non..” he murmured modestly, secretly delighted to be thought of as “one of Kaneki’s friends.”

 

Seeming to feel the expectant stares of everyone in the room, Kaneki looked thoughtful for a moment. “I… I will carry on the last wish of the previous king, and create a world where ghouls and humans understand each other,” he stated, an earnest expression on his face.

 

Shuu smiled, pride welling up inside him. _I expected nothing less from my dearest Kaneki._ Some of the others were a bit less impressed however, leading Kaneki drop his next bomb.

 

“Here, today, I inaugurate an anti-human organization. First we speak with the CCG. Our organization’s name will be Black Goat.” Kaneki pulled off his eyepatch to reveal his single kakugan, a sight which sent a thrill through Shuu’s body.

 

_He named the organization after one of his old favorite books, how cute of him…_ Shuu smiled fondly to himself. Even though Kaneki now held the title of the One-Eyed King, Shuu could see that the shy, sweet bookworm he had fallen for all those years ago was still there.

 

_Those ghouls from Cochlea look a bit scruffy though…_ he mused. _I wonder if they are really that reliable…_ _Ah, well, I’m sure mon amour is trying his best._

 

 

 

 

 

Shuu found himself at Kaneki’s side for the rest of the afternoon as Kaneki familiarized himself with all the major members of the newly formed group. He was pleasantly surprised to find that Kaneki was asking for his opinion on various ideas for preliminary plans. _It almost feels as though he trusts me more than he did before,_ he thought. _Dare I hope?_

 

As the evening grew closer, Touka announced that her crew would need to leave soon in order to get back in time for a possible crowd at :re. With Kaneki’s departure imminent, Shuu finally plucked up the courage to say something he’d been a bit nervous to all day.

 

“Ah, Kaneki. I know you have a place with your investigator friends, but I wanted to tell you that we’ve got a room for you here as well, if you ever want to use it. A lot of us are staying in the empty rooms and apartments upstairs, so it’s no trouble. I hope you don’t mind sharing an apartment with my father and I, and sometimes Hori, but of course if you do we can find another place for you, space is a little tight but we can definitely make it work, no problem...” Shuu trailed off awkwardly.

 

“Oh, that’s kind of you,” Kaneki responded, eyes widening a bit. “Are you sure I wouldn’t be imposing on you guys?”

 

“No not at all! We’d be delighted to have you~” Shuu flashes the most charming grin he could muster.

 

“Well in that case I think I’d like to stay tonight? I’m a bit tired, to be honest. Early morning and all...” Kaneki smiled sheepishly, side-eyeing the 0 Squad kids. “Oh, If that’s alright?” He added quickly.

 

“Perfect!” Shuu grinned. “I’ll give you a little tour of the place on the way up.”

 

 

 

 

 

“I left some of the books I’ve reading lately that I thought you’d like in your room,” Shuu told Kaneki as they climbed the stairs. “And I’ve got plenty more so feel free to look through and borrow anything that catches your interest. I also made sure to get several of the newer releases of some of the authors I remembered you liking, in case you missed them in the past few years. They’re all stacked on a table by the bed.”

 

“Wow Tsukiyama, you didn’t have to do that,” Kaneki said, breaking into a grin. “But thank you. I’m excited to see what you picked for me.”

 

“I’m happy to do it, my King,” Tsukiyama said, flushing a bit.

 

“You... you don’t need to call me that, Tsukiyama,” Kaneki murmured, sounding faintly amused.

 

“But my Kinnggg~~ Don’t you think that sounds so romantic and grand? Like something out of a medieval fantasy. _A Song of Ice and Fire,_ perhaps~”

 

Kaneki snorted and rolled his eyes. “Right, because that series is just known for it’s romance…”

 

“You ruin all the fun, my King,” Shuu pouted. Kaneki rolled his eyes again but didn’t protest the new nickname. A moment later, the reached the door to his little apartment.

 

“Well, here it is… a bit small, but nice enough I suppose.” The walked inside, Shuu pointing out the rooms. “Here’s the living room - the television is the Little Mouse’s, she brought it in. She’s got her own place but hangs out here pretty often. There’s the kitchen, which has some of Hori’s food in it. There’s meat for us in the freezer as well so help yourself. The bathroom is over there to the left. Down the hall here is your room... oh, you might find some of Hori’s snacks in there as well, you can just leave them in the kitchen if you do. The room next to yours is mine, and the one after that is my father’s. He’s at work at the moment and won’t be back until later, but he’s very excited to meet you.”

 

“Is he…” Kaneki murmured, examining a half-eaten bag of chips a bit wistfully. “Hori sure has made herself at home. How is she doing these days?”

 

“She’s doing the same as she always is. Obsessed with photography and getting herself into questionable situations. She says hello by the way. She texted me earlier and said she wants to drop by tomorrow to see you.”

 

“Ah, that would be nice.” Kaneki yawned. “As long as it’s not too early… Those 0 Squad kids are cute and I didn’t mind them waking me up too much, but… I am not an early morning person.” He grinned ruefully. “That’s why I was happy to hear I could stay here…”

 

Shuu smiled fondly. “You can have all the beauty sleep you need here, my King. Oh, I almost forgot. I left some clothes in your room for you as well, as I assume you don’t have too many at the moment. Hopefully they will be to your taste…”

 

“Thank you Tsukiyama, that’s very thoughtful of you. I hadn’t even thought about what I might wear…”

 

“Non, non, it’s no trouble. If there’s anything else you need, don’t hesitate to ask.”

 

“Thank you, again. I think I’ll go take a look at those books now before I turn in early… I hope that’s okay? I don’t want to seem like I’m blowing off your father… or you for that matter.” Kaneki’s brow furrowed slightly with worry.

 

‘Of course it’s no problem, we understand. You’ve had a long day after all. You’re definitely not being rude.”

 

“Alright then, well. Good night, Tsukiyama. It was good to see you again.” Kaneki stifled another yawn as he turned toward his room.

 

“Goodnight, Kaneki. Rest well. It’s been wonderful to see you too.”

 

_Despite the tough act he puts on in for everyone, he’s still so cute. I was nervous to see him, but deep down he’s still the darling Kaneki I’ve always known._ Tsukiyama watched as Kaneki closed his bedroom door, wishing in spite of himself that he could curl up in bed beside him. _Be still my beating heart..._


	2. Follow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shuu and Kaneki get sweaty together. (a.k.a., it's sparring time)

Shuu woke up early the next morning, excitement bubbling in his stomach at the thought of spending _a whole day_ with Kaneki. After triple-checking that his hair and light makeup were perfect, he texted Hori to remind her once again to be quiet when she came over. He would never forgive himself if Kaneki was woken up too early. After bidding his father goodbye as he left for work, Shuu settled on the couch with a book. Soon Hori arrived and plopped herself down on the other side of the couch. With a cheeky grin she asked Shuu “how his first night with precious Kaneki went” as she pulled out her laptop to look through photographs. Shuu responded by blushing, sputtering incoherently, and hiding his face behind his book. Hori had long since made a habit of teasing Shuu about his crush on Kaneki, and he was sure that the tiny woman was thrilled that the current situation gave her more reason to tease than ever. They spent some time sitting in companionable silence until finally Kaneki staggered out of his room, hair rumpled and eyes still glazed with sleep.

 

“Good morning Kaneki!” Shuu called out, suppressing the urge to squeal. _My heart is beating so fast… He looks so adorable when he first wakes up. Ahhhhhhh….Calmato, Shuu, Calmato…_

 

Kaneki squinted sleepily at them. “Hello Tsukiyama. Hello Hori, it’s good to see you.”

 

“Good to see you too, Kaneki. I’m glad you woke up finally, there’s some donuts in your room that have been calling to me for hours.”

 

“Ahhh, sorry about that.” Kaneki meandered over to a nearby chair and sat down. “Was that room yours? I didn’t want for you to be kicked out…”

 

“It’s no problem, I hardly slept there anyway and the couch is plenty big enough for me. Besides, it won’t even matter soon, since you’ll be sleeping in Tsukiyama’s room before long.” Flashing a mischievous grin in Shuu’s direction, Hori exited the room in search of her donuts.

 

Shuu felt his face burn as he avoided Kaneki’s eyes. “Uhhh… How about I get you some coffee?” he asked a little too brightly before fleeing to the kitchen area.

  
  
  
  


“Tsukiyama, do you remember how we used to spar all the time?”

 

“Of course I do, my dear Kaneki.” _How could I forget?? I was completely wrecked by the end of every one of those sessions…_

 

“Ah, well, I was thinking… maybe we could start doing that again? I can’t slack off with training now, with everything going on.”

 

“Certainement, mon roi. It would be my pleasure.” _Kaneki my darling, do you know what you are doing to me…_

 

“That’s good. I’ll make use of your ‘sword’ again.” Kaneki smiled softly, and Shuu felt himself fall in love again at the sight. “You know, on that day, when I was still Sasaki… I hadn’t gotten my memories back yet, but when we were fighting I knew by instinct what movements you would make. My mind may not have remembered our spar sessions, but apparently my body did.”

 

“I-is that so?” Shuu sputtered as he choked on his coffee. Shuu felt his face burn hotter than ever as Kaneki calmly passed him a few napkins. _Calmato the fuck down, Shuu. Dear lord, does Kaneki even know what he’s saying?? I can’t handle thiiissssssss!!!!!!!_

  
  
  
  


Shuu soon found himself giving Kaneki a tour of the lower levels of the building, where several rooms had been set up for the ghouls to use for training. They were an army after all, so they had to stay in top fighting shape. That was the idea anyway, but the place was fairly empty, meaning that they had a room entirely to themselves. Shuu was not sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing. _Kaneki just wants a professional relationship,_ Shuu told himself firmly. _A professional relationship in which we just so happen to get sweaty together and wear tight workout clothes while we fight each other. If you make this weird, he won’t want to spend time with you anymore._

 

Standing before him, Kaneki slowly unfurled the tentacles of his rinkaku kagune, careful not to make them too long lest they ruin the walls. Shuu couldn’t help but just stare at the thickly gleaming tendrils for a moment. _A truly magnificent sight,_ he thought. _If one of those went inside me…_

Shuu shook his head to keep himself from going any further with that train of thought. “Addolcendo!” He said as he released his own kagune and blunted its blade. _Calmato,_ he chanted in his mind. _Whatever you do, don’t get a boner._

 

And then they fought. Despite the many, _many_ , distractions it entailed, Shuu had to admit that sparring with Kaneki was an exhilarating experience. Time seemed to slow down as they danced around each other, stabbing, thrusting, attacking, blocking. Shuu found himself so caught up in the rhythm of the fight that he failed to notice that Kaneki was neglecting to block a swing aimed directly towards his face. Shock ran through Shuu’s body as his dulled kagune slammed straight into the side of Kaneki’s head.

 

“KANEKI??? Are you okay???” Shuu quickly began to panic as he blood saw blood flowing down Kaneki’s cheek.

 

Kaneki sat dazedly for a moment where he’d fallen to the ground, then smiled up at Shuu. “I’m fine Tsukiyama, sorry about that. I guess I got… uh, distracted.”

 

“I’m the one who should be sorry! Are you sure you’re okay??? Here, let me get you a towel. We should stop for the day...” Shuu babbled as he grabbed a towel and kneeled next to Kaneki, pressing it against the cut on his face.

 

“Really, it’s fine. It’s completely my fault for not blocking in time.” Kaneki tried to reassure him. “We don’t need to stop. Look, it’s already starting to close up. Tsukiyama. Tsukiyama, please calm down, you look like you’re about to have a heart attack. Tsukiyama, please.”

 

 Shuu slowly felt the panic in his chest beginning to fade. “Oui, okay, you’re right. It’s already starting to heal.” He let out a chuckle. “I suppose I’m just used to you being the one to beat the crap out of me in these matches, not the other way around.”

 

“Well, the day’s not over yet.” Kaneki grinned and began to poke Shuu in the side with one of his kagune tendrils, causing him to let out an involuntary giggle. “Come on Tsukiyama, give me a chance to redeem myself or I’ll tickle you to death instead.”

 

“Oui, Oui, have mercy, s’il te plait,” Shuu wheezes as he tried to control his laughter. _Hori Chie, why do I have a feeling that you’re the one who told him that I’m extremely ticklish…_

 

Kaneki smirked and stepped back, allowing Shuu to assume a starting position. Then they were back at it again, and this time Shuu ended up on the floor, pinned to the ground by Kaneki’s kagune.

 

“Got you,” Kaneki gasped, and for a moment they just stayed there for a moment, panting from exertion. Kaneki’s face loomed above Shuu’s and he felt himself getting lost in the other man’s mismatched eyes. Shuu could feel their breaths mingling, his pulse skyrocketing, and _oh, Kaneki’s eyes look so dark and deep and—_

 

“Kaneki?”

 

Kaneki sat up. “Oh, hello Touka.”

 

“I, uh, brought you some coffee. Miza said you’d be down here, so… I hope I’m not interrupting something.” Touka held up a bag with :re’s logo on it.

 

“Of course not, thank you Touka,” Kaneki replied, standing up and walking over to accept the bag. “Tsukiyama and I were just sparring. I’d say we’re about finished anyway.” Kaneki grabbed two water bottles and towels and returned to where Shuu was still sitting, handing him one of each.

 

Touka tilted her head. “Your face looks pretty beat up, are you okay?”

 

Shuu felt his heart sink to the ground, but Kaneki merely nodded. “Yes, it was just an accident. My fault for getting my distracted in the middle of a spar.” Kaneki looked down, focusing on his water bottle. “Besides, it’s not as though Tsukiyama would hit me on purpose,” he said, almost too nonchalantly.

 

Touka made a face. “Right, well the others are waiting for you upstairs.”

 

Shuu glanced between the two, wondering at Touka’s suddenly frigid tone. _Something seems off about this conversation...but I can’t help but feel relieved that they aren’t acting super friendly to each other. Of course, I want Kaneki to be happy no matter what,_ he appended quickly.

 

Before Shuu could dwell further on the subject, Kaneki turned to him and poured a bit of water on the towel he was holding. “Of course, we’ll be right up,” he murmured. “But first, Tsukiyama, your makeup is smudged. Let me help you.” To Shuu’s utter shock, Kaneki began dabbing at his cheek with the towel.

 

“Uhhh…” Shuu’s brain offered nothing but incoherent screaming.

 

Kaneki frowned and rubbed a little harder as he discovered the difficulties of makeup removal without makeup removal wipes. “Didn’t you used to use waterproof eyeliner help prevent this sort of thing?”

 

“Ahhh… Oui, I did. I’ve been, um, experimenting with brands.”

 

“Hmmm,” Kaneki murmured. “Well, you may want to try a different one, this brand doesn’t seem to be working.” Kaneki switched to his other cheek, smiling fondly. “I remember you used to get upset occasionally when your eyeliner got smudged after a fight. Something about your perfect wings, if I remember correctly.”

 

“That’s right,” Shuu responded faintly. “I worked very hard on them.” _Oh my god, he remembers that?? Mon dieu, I’m so embarrassed. I used to act like a complete diva when my makeup got ruined. I regret my entire life._

 

“Right, that’s better.” Kaneki finished wiping Shuu’s face and appraised his work. “You know, there was a certain brand I was using while I was at the CCG. It was when my squad and I went undercover for a certain case dressed as women. Anyway, I’ll show you the brand sometime, to see if you like it.”

 

Shuu was completely shook by this information. “That’s very kind of you Kaneki. That sounds like it was...cute.”

 

“Sasako was very cute,” Kaneki said before turning back toward Touka.

 

Except it was no longer just Touka. Gathered by the entrance with her was now Yomo, Nishiki, Naki, Miza, and Fuka, all staring at them with a mixture of surprise and confusion.

 

“Oh, Nishiki, I’m glad you’re here. Naki was confused about some of the suggestions you made yesterday, and I was hoping you could help me re-explain some things.” Kaneki seemed quite unconcerned about what had just happened as he directed the conversation toward battle tactics.

 

Shuu frowned as his phone began to buzz in his pocket. He unlocked it and opened up a large group chat made up of other ghouls in their new group. He suppressed a groan as he saw the first unread text.

 

 **FUKA:** Umm, guys?? Did I miss something? Or are like, the King and that Tsukiyama guy, like, a thing???? Give me all the dirty gossip guys why r u holding out on me come on.

 

Shuu removed himself from the group chat to avoid reading through all the replies. He wasn’t sure he could handle them without spontaneously combusting. _Apparently Fuka is a bit of a busy-body gossip, despite his rough appearance. Uhg. I’m so glad Kaneki didn’t join that chat…_     

  
  
  


Some time later, Touka asked Kaneki if he would like to ride back with them to Hirako’s place.

 

“No thank you,” Kaneki answered politely. “I’m quite comfortable at Tsukiyama’s place. I’ve even got a new book started already that I’m eager to finish.”

 

Shuu felt himself swelling with happiness at the comment. _He wants to stay. He likes the books I gave him. Kaneki wants to stay!_

  
  
  
  


“Alright Tsukiyama, you can shower now. Thank you for letting me take a turn first.” Kaneki emerged shirtless from the bathroom, rubbing his hair with a towel.

 

“A-ah, thank you.” _Kaneki, my darling, why must you always torture me with this shirtless habit of yours... it’s just like it was before._ Shuu grimaced as he remembered the first time he had come over to the apartment that Kaneki and the others lived in to find a scantily-clad Kaneki emerging from the showers. He had been forced to sit in a highly uncomfortable position for fear that someone might notice something untoward going on in his nether regions. Thankfully no one had commented on his awkward sitting position, presumably attributing it to his general eccentricity.  

 

“Oh, and I might not be here when you’re finished. I’m planning on going for a walk soon.”

 

“Alright, be careful Kaneki. Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?”

 

“That won’t be necessary. But I appreciate the offer.”

 

Kaneki was indeed gone when Shuu finished his shower, so he settled on the couch to text Hori about the events of the day.

  


**Moon Moon:** And the worst part is, Fuka and everyone is that chat are all probably saying THINGS now. Hori, what am I going to do. What if Kaneki finds out?

 

 **Moon Moon:** He’ll kick me out, I know he will…

 

 **Little Mouse:** Kick you out how? He’s the one living in ur house

 

 **Little Mouse:** Besides, it’ll be good if he finds out.

 

 **Moon Moon:** GOOD HOW???

 

 **Moon Moon:** He’ll kick me out of everything. The whole organization. He’ll think I want to eat him again…

 

 **Moon Moon:** HORI WHAT IF HE MAKES ME LEAVE THE COUNTRY I’LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN WHAT WILL I DO

 

 **Little Mouse:**???? stop panicking about something that hasn’t even happened. He won’t kick u out of anything, you’ve been practically running this place since the aogiri peeps joined

 

 **Little Mouse:** Some of them are even calling you Tsukimama~

 

 **Little Mouse:** Anywho just ask the man on a date already and commence with the weird Kagune sex

 

 **Moon Moon:** HORI NO

 

 **Moon Moon:** GHOULS DON’T ACTUALLY DO THAT. USUALLY;;;;;;

 

 **Moon Moon:** Anyway he’ll kick me out ｡ﾟ(*´□`)ﾟ｡

 

 **Little Mouse:** He won’t lel he thinks ur hot. Remember how he told me he thought u were a model at first

 

 **Moon Moon:** …..I know you made that up to tease me

 

 **Moon Moon:** He’s back gotta gooooooo

 

 **Little Mouse:** Good luck getting laid!!! <3

  
  


“Did you have a nice walk?” Shuu called out as Kaneki came through the door.

 

“Not really.” Kaneki frowned. “I met with Furuta.”

 

“Furuta?” _Who the heck was that?_

 

“My former partner from the CCG.” Kaneki walked over and sank down onto the other end of the couch, rubbing his temples with his hands.

 

“P-partner???” Shuu felt his face suddenly catch on fire. “I didn’t know you dated anyone in the CCG…”

 

Kaneki shot him a confused look. “Not that kind of partner, Tsukiyama… We worked together.”

 

“Oh. Was he a friend of yours?” _Shit. Shit Shit. I shouldn’t have reacted that strongly. Be cool…_

 

“No, he’s insane. And he’s the one who dropped those steel beams on Rize and I back then, I confirmed it just now…it’s a rather a convoluted story involving the garden, I’ll explain it when we’ve all gathered for a meeting tomorrow. For now I want to put it out of my mind for a bit, forgive me… I’m not trying to keep you in the dark or anything.”

 

“Of course that’s alright. You deserve to relax, Kaneki.” Kaneki simply nodded in acknowledgement, looking lost in thought. Shuu took the moment to drink in the sight of him, a part of him still not quite able to believe that Kaneki was _right there_ , on the same couch as him. _He must be feeling so stressed right now… I’m proud of him for what he’s trying to do, but he carries so many burdens… Wait. Wait a minute. Is that…_

 

“Kaneki, are you wearing my coat?” Shuu blurted.

 

Kaneki glanced at him sheepishly. “It’s a nice coat…”

“Um. Yes, it is.” Shuu’s pulse pounded in his ears and he clenched his suddenly very sweaty palms. _He’s wearing my coat. My coat! Mon dieu, that’s so cute. I think I might pass out._

 

 _“_ Fuka seemed excited when he saw me wearing it. I guess it looks pretty good on me.”

 

“Ahh…” Shuu’s mouth was very dry. “It looks very good on you, my king. You can keep wearing it. I have a few other jackets so it’s okay. Of course you can wear those too. You can wear anything you want.”

 

“Thanks, Tsukiyama.”

 

“Sure thing!” Shuu squeaked.

 

“Mhmm.” Kaneki replied. “Oh, so I started reading one of those books you left for me, you know the one with-”

 

“SHUUUUUU!!! I’M HOME FROM WORK EARLY TODAY!” An exuberant voice interrupted from the entryway.

 

“Oh, hello dad. How was work?”

 

“It went quite well,” the older man replied. “Kaneki! I’m delighted to finally meet you! Have you been making yourself at home here? Is there anything you need to be more comfortable? Please just let us know if there’s anything we can get you.”

 

“Ahh, thank you Mr. Tsukiyama. But really, I’m quite alright. I’m sorry for barging in on your home like this.”

 

“No need to apologize, we’re thrilled to have you. And please, call me Mirumo. Or Papa. Or Papa Mirumo. Or even Dad. Whatever you want! Shuu told me that you’ve had troubles with your remaining family members, but please know that you always have a family here with us. We’re happy to welcome you with open arms.”

 

Shuu felt himself turning pink with embarrassment. _Dad’s just met Kaneki but he’s already treating Kaneki like a son-in-law… I hope Kaneki doesn’t find it too annoying…_

 

Kaneki showed no outward signs of embarrassment, his eyes merely widening a bit. He opened his mouth but momentarily seemed lost for words. Finally in a soft voice he replied, “Thank you, ah... Mirumo. That’s an incredibly kind thing for you to say.”

 

“It’s only natural! We really are incredibly happy to have you here.” Mirumo beamed.

 

“Ah, thank you again.” Blushing, Kaneki awkwardly changed the subject. “So, you ah, have a job you’re working at now?”

 

“Oui! I’m working a small local grocery store. A bit ironic I know, a ghoul working at a grocery store. But it’s actually quite enjoyable, greeting and helping people every day. Shuu’s got a job now too! I’m sure he’s told you all about it.”

 

Kaneki turned and raised his eyebrows at Shuu. “No, I’m afraid he has neglected to mention that detail. Tsukiyama?”

 

Shuu looked away sheepishly. “Ah, well, it didn’t seem that important… I’ve been umm, playing the piano at jazz bars. Just on the weekends mostly.”

 

“Shuu has been a talented pianist since he was quite young,” Mirumo boasted proudly. “He’s got an excellent singing voice as well!”

 

“Is that so,” Kaneki smiled softly. “I’d like to watch you play one day, Tsukiyama.”

 

Shuu was completely floored by the statement. “Ah, r-really, Kaneki? I mean, of course you can. If you want. Um.”

 

Kaneki nodded. “Let me know when you’ll be playing, I’ll set aside some time,” he said casually.

 

“Oh, ah, o-oui,” Shuu squeaked. _Kaneki wants to come see me? Moi? Playing piano?? Kaneki??_

  
  
  
  


In the earliest hours of the next morning, Shuu noticed light streaming out from underneath the door of Kaneki’s room as he groggily got up to use the bathroom.

 

“Kaneki? You’re still awake?” Shuu whispered, hesitantly pushing the door open.

 

Kaneki was lying half-propped against some pillows, eyes closed and a pair of reading glasses sitting askew on his face. One of his hands still clutched at a book that had fallen still open onto his chest. Shuu felt his heart break a little as he noted Kaneki’s furrowed eyebrows and small frown. _Even when he’s sleeping he still looks so troubled…_ As quietly as he could, Shuu turned off Kaneki’s bedside lamp. Relying on the moon’s illumination, he gently pulled the book from Kaneki’s grasp and set it aside, after making sure to mark the spot where Kaneki had left off. He then carefully pulled off the glasses, wincing a bit as Kaneki twitched and made a small noise. After pausing a moment to make sure Kaneki hadn’t been awakened, Shuu pulled the covers over him. Still not waking up, Kaneki mumbled something incoherently and his frown deepened. With his heart caught in his throat, Shuu reached out and lightly stroked his white hair, marveling at the way it glowed in the moonlight.

 

Kaneki’s brows relaxed and he sighed softly. Shuu felt the knot in his stomach unwind as he watched Kaneki’s expression grow more peaceful.

 

“Sweet dreams, mon amour…” Shuu whispered, feeling his heart about to burst. He straightened up and quietly left the room, closing the door softly behind him.

  
_I love him so much,_ Shuu thought. _He’ll never love me back, not after everything I’ve done. But... it’s alright. Just being near him like this is enough. I’ll follow him for as long as he’ll let me stay. I don’t want him to feel alone..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone interested, this fic is actually named after a song called [Beloved by Crystal Lake](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fw74pypwbC0).  
> There's also a very beautiful and intense [acoustic version](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_0qfORUHJM) which I highly recommend (and the lyrics are also much easier to understand lol)  
> I love this song because it always reminds me of Shuuneki and the original rooftop scene... (sobs in the corner) 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading! <3


	3. Sleepover

After Kaneki had proclaimed himself the One-Eyed King, Shuu had somewhat expected some sort of confrontation with the CCG immediately. But he found that for a time, nothing particularly exciting happened. Kaneki continued to stay in his apartment and was making quick progress through the pile of books that Shuu had set out for him. On some days the two would sit and spend a lazy afternoon discussing whatever book Kaneki had just finished. Shuu knew without a doubt that those afternoons would become treasured memories for him. Every time Shuu watched Kaneki’s face light up as he talked about a particular story element he liked, Shuu felt his heart squeeze with overwhelming fondness. He often found himself wishing that he could preserve these moments like snapshots and live in them forever, so that he and Kaneki both could continue to take comfort in fiction and avoid facing the dark reality of the outside world.

 

 _If only I could hold on to these fleeting bits of happiness, for both of us,_ Shuu thought wistfully as he tried to commit every detail of Kaneki’s expressions to memory.

 

Unfortunately, reality was unavoidable. Conflict continued to loom on the horizon and a few days of peace didn’t change that. Everyone trained regularly for battle, even those who had not quite committed to Kaneki’s cause yet. Fuka’s group trained especially hard - after being locked up in Cochlea for a while, some of them were rather rusty. Shuu and Kaneki quickly fell back into their old habit of daily sparring sessions. Shuu found himself enjoying these quite a bit, despite his struggles with his sexual frustration. Naki, however, seems to have taken a liking to the particular room they had been using, and was not at all pleased with the new arrangement.  

 

“Naki, you’re welcome to join us if it’s that big of a deal to you,” Kaneki offered nonchalantly at one point after listening to Naki’s complaints.

 

Naki looks horrified. “No way!!” he hollered. “I don’t like either of you guys _in that way,_ definitely not.”

 

“Wha- what,” Shuu choked out.

 

“Huh, what, Spoopiyama???” Naki yelled.

 

“What?” Kaneki asked, sounding genuinely confused.

 

In the background, Miza’s face turned cherry red as she tried not to laugh. “Naki, let’s just find another room…”

 

Later that day, they received the news that clowns were attacking the CCG, and that Kaneki was being made to look like the perpetrator. Whatever fragile sense of peace they’d had shattered immediately, and a sense of deep unease permeated the hideout.

 

Kaneki quickly convened a small meeting that consisted of himself, Shuu, Miza, Fuka, and Ayato. Shuu frowned and felt frustration well up inside him as he observed how Kaneki was sitting, hunched up with a brooding expression on his face. It was a far cry from the relaxed expression he’d worn just this morning as he had sat in a patch of sunlight reading his current novel, and Shuu desperately lamented the change.

 

“They really are making us out to be the bad guys here,” Shuu said angrily. “I guess it’s so that they can wipe us all out later, Barbarian style.”

 

“Damn it,” Ayato seethed. “Even though nothing’s actually started yet... Idiots!”  

 

“At this rate, basically every wrongdoing is going to get pinned on us.” Miza said. “What should we do, Kaneki Ken?”

 

Kaneki stared pensively into the distance for a moment, not responding. Then suddenly Shuu felt a shiver run through his body as Kaneki turned his intense gaze upon him.

 

“I have a favor to ask.”

 

Shuu’s heart leapt and he couldn’t keep a gentle smile from spreading across his face. “Why, anything,” he replied. _Ah, well…_ “Save things that cost money,” he appended regretfully. “My wallet’s in a bit of a horrid state.”

 

Kaneki looked down thoughtfully for a long moment, covering his mouth with his mouth with his clawlike hand. When he glanced back up his gaze was as intense as ever.

 

“Prepare a large host of white suits,” he ordered cryptically.

 

 _What? How am I supposed to pay for that?_ Shuu thought. _What on earth does he plan to do with them?_

 

Evidently the other two shared his confusion. “What are you gonna use ‘em for?” Ayato asked as Miza stared in bewilderment.

 

 

 

“Speaking of clothes, isn’t that Tsukiyama’s coat you’re wearing?” Miza inquired after Kaneki finished explaining his plan for the suits.

 

“Oh, yeah, Tsukiyama is letting me borrow it.”

 

“Is that so,” Miza murmured, raising her eyebrows in Fuka’s direction. The gaunt man responded to the look with what looked like an “I told you so” expression. Shuu cringed slightly and desperately tried to think of a way to change the subject.  

 

“Uhh, that reminds me Kaneki… I know it was you that took my last clean pajama set last night.” Shuu gave him a pointed look. “Perhaps white suits isn’t the only thing I should prepare for you…”

 

Kaneki huffed, looking mildly embarrassed. “Well, you’re the one who only gave me one set for myself. Besides, I always figured you were the type to sleep naked anyway.”

 

Shuu’s eyes widened. “Well, I’m not. I meant it when I said you could borrow my clothes, really, but you have to leave me something to wear myself. At least throw some things in the laundry occasionally.”

 

“I did the laundry a few days ago!” Kaneki protested.

 

“Well you must not have given me anything back because I hardly have anything left to wear!” Shuu snapped at him. Seeing Kaneki wearing his clothes was adorable, but really. “I need at least a few clothes, I can’t just waltz around nude.”

 

Kaneki narrowed his eyes at him and Shuu sucked in a breath. “Are you sure about that, Tsukiyama…”

 

“Woah woah, how about you two save this argument for the bedroom,” Ayato interrupted before Shuu could begin to properly formulate a reply. “We’re still in the middle of discussing strategies, and the rest of us don’t really want to hear this…”

 

“No no, it’s fine. Please continue, my King!” Fuka chirped, earning a glare from Ayato.

 

Miza sighed. “I think that’s all we need to discuss for today, actually,” she said” “But obviously Kaneki needs some new clothes. Why don’t we stop by :re and get some money so we can go shopping?”

 

Shuu felt his soul, which had departed as soon as Ayato uttered the word “bedroom,” slowly returning to his body. “That sounds like an excellent idea,” he said weakly. “You guys go do that, and I’ll see about those suits…”

 

“No, Tsukiyama, you’re not getting out of this. We only just met fairly recently but I already I know you well enough to know that you’ll throw a fit if I help him pick out something unfashionable. You’re taking him.” Miza gave him a stern look.

 

“She has a point,” Kaneki nodded seriously. “It’s happened before. Back in the day he even personally designed my battle suit because he said that whatever I was wearing before didn’t display my physical prowess enough.”

 

In the background, Ayato rolled his eyes and whispered, “Good lord, these two are ridiculous.” Fuka pulled out his phone and began typing furiously, no doubt updating everyone with this latest bit of gossip. Shuu groaned internally. _At the rate Fuka’s going, Kaneki’s going to hear the gossip about us and draw his own conclusions… just kill me now...._

 

“If that’s what Kaneki wants, then I’ll take him,” Shuu squeaked out. At least he’d be able to put Kaneki in cute outfits before he died of embarrassment.  

  
  


By the time they arrived at :re, Shuu’s mood had improved immensely. Miza had insisted on tagging along, “to make sure that that you two don’t get _distracted,”_ but had made it clear that she would leave it to them to pick out clothes. Touka made a show of being annoyed at the request for money but gave them a generous amount quickly enough. “It sure is nice to have a successful business owner on the team!” Miza had said, genuinely impressed with Touka’s accomplishments.

 

Touka had not, however, honored Kaneki’s request to borrow her clothes for “disguise purposes.” “A man dressed as a woman shopping for men’s clothes will arouse more attention than if you just go looking as yourself,” she said sternly to a miffed Kaneki.

 

“But Touka, no one will be able to tell that I’m a guy! I make a great girl. Lots of people were hitting on me that time with the CCG. Sasako was hot!”

 

“Not happening,” Touka replied. “Buy your own clothes if you want to pull a stunt like that.”

 

“Maybe I will,” said Kaneki, looking petulant. Shuu felt as disappointed as Kaneki looked, if not more so.

  
  
  


It took a while for their little group to finally leave :re and head to a clothing store. After a rather long discussion regarding the new clown activity, a small battle of wills had broken out between Touka and Yomo after Touka pointedly suggested that Yomo tag along and expand his wardrobe a bit. Shuu had noticed that after the argument Yomo had been muttering something under his breath about “Uta getting everyone to make fun of his clothes,” and privately wondered what the story behind _that_ was. Nishiki had then announced his desire to come along instead, prompting a grumpy look from Touka as she reminded him that his shift wasn’t over yet.  

 

 _I don’t mean to be impatient, especially since Kaneki seems to be enjoying talking to everyone,_ Shuu thought as he checked his watch for the seventeenth time. _But I’ve got work tonight, and I need to make it early to do a sound check…_

 

Kaneki noticed him looking and leaned over to peer at the watch face himself. “Oh, it’s getting late. We’d better get going, sorry Nishiki.”

 

“It’s fine, I’ll just skip out on the rest of my shift. Touka’s very capable, I’m sure she can survive a few hours without my presence,” Nishiki replied. Touka just rolled her eyes.

 

Miza had claimed that she would merely be supervising, but upon their arrival at the store it seemed that she could not contain her opinions. Shuu found himself in a passionate discussion with her regarding the merits of various wildly patterned clothing items and whether or not they suited Kaneki. Kaneki, meanwhile, began to pick out black clothes left and right, ignoring Nishiki’s jokes about him being “emo now.”

 

“Non non non Kaneki my dear!” Shuu had shouted in distress after he noticed the situation. “You need colors too! A king can’t have such a boring wardrobe.”

 

With Miza’s assistance, Shuu managed to talk Kaneki into choosing some of the more colorful items that he picked out. Shuu kept a few of the rejected items to buy for himself, claiming that “it would be a tragedy to leave all those poor patterns unworn.” Then came the process of trying everything on. Shuu heartily congratulated himself for not salivating every time Kaneki came out in another outfit and patiently submitted himself for review by the other three. Shuu did not, however, succeed in keeping the blush off of his face.

 

All went well - that is, until Nishiki happened to notice a certain sweater display sporting the title “[Virgin Killer](http://pockettokyo.storenvy.com/products/19018855-virgin-killer-backless-sweater).”

 

“Hey Kaneki, check these out! They’ve got holes in the back just like that battle suit you used to wear. You should get one.” Nishiki grinned mischievously.

 

Kaneki raised an eyebrow. “I think those sweaters might be a tad bit more revealing than that battle suit Nishiki, so I’ll pass…”

 

“Nonsense, you should definitely get one. Tsukiyama thinks so too, right?” Nishiki turned to Shuu with a smirk and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

 

“Uhhh...” Shuu mumbled as he attempted to force the mental image of Kaneki wearing the backless sweater out of his mind. “I’m sure it would be very… efficient... “ he finally forced out, face burning.

 

“See?” Nishiki exclaimed. “Look, here’s one in your size. You gotta have it.”

 

Kaneki scratched his head nervously. “Errr… you know, I think that’s really the sort of thing Tsukiyama would wear rather than me,” he said in a clear attempt to deflect attention off himself.

 

Nishiki looked surprised for a moment as Miza lost it in the background. Then he smirked and gleefully grabbed another sweater from the display. “Very well, you’ll both get one! You can match!”

 

 _Oh mon dieu,_ Shuu thought faintly.

 

“I don’t think that’s…” Kaneki trailed off, his face turning pink.

 

“I insist!” Nishiki said, shoving the sweaters into their basket and striding toward the checkout. Kaneki merely sighed and trailed after him.

 

Shuu meanwhile, was completely overwhelmed by the thought of _matching sexy backless sweaters with Kaneki_ , and it took a few prods from Miza before he gained the presence of mind to follow the other two to the checkout counter.

 

“You’re welcome, Bakayama,” Nishiki whispered to Shuu after they exited the store. “Also, you owe me one.”

  
  


Upon their return to :re they found Hirako and the 0 Squad kids waiting for Kaneki along with several board games. Kaneki was quick to give in to their demands to stay and play with them after they reminded him that the CCG had never allowed for such frivolous things while they were growing up, requiring them to instead devote most of their time to training. All of the ghouls present couldn’t help but feel at least a bit appalled upon hearing of the sad childhoods of the small investigators, so it didn’t take long before almost everyone decided to join in.

 

“Aren’t you going to play, Tsukiyama?” Kaneki asked after noticing that Shuu was hovering in the background rather than joining them.

 

“I’ll have to regretfully decline,” Shuu replied with a sigh. “I have to get to work pretty soon.”

“Oh.” Kaneki looked surprised for a moment. “That’s right, I’d forgotten. Sorry.”

 

“It’s quite alright, my dear Kaneki. You have fun.” Shuu smiled fondly and allowed himself to stick around a few minutes longer to watch Kaneki explain the rules of the game to the excited kids. _He’s really good with children,_ Shuu thought, before banishing the incoming thoughts of having a family with Kaneki from his treacherous mind.

  
  


Shuu was very well received at the jazz bar he played at that night, and didn’t return home until the early hours of the morning. The apartment was dark, his father having already gone to bed. He peered through the open door of Kaneki’s room as he walked down the hallway, but saw no sign of him. _He must have stayed with Hirako…_ Shuu thought a bit sadly. He stood in the doorway of the empty room for a moment, suddenly overcome with loneliness. It hadn’t even been that long since Kaneki had come, but Shuu had already become used to his near-constant presence. With a sigh he turned away and headed toward his own room, noting the faint lamplight seeping out of his own half-shut door. _Must have left it on by accident,_ he thought as he pushed the door fully open absently before immediately grinding to a halt.   

 

“Kaneki?!”

 

Kaneki groaned and lifted himself up to momentarily peer blearily at Shuu, before turning over and flopping face-first into Shuu’s pillow. Shuu’s pillow, which was on Shuu’s bed, which currently contained the one-and-only Kaneki Ken. _Why is Kaneki in my bed??_ Shuu mentally shrieked as he felt his face heat up for the millionth time that day.   

 

“Uh, Kaneki, are you alright?” Shuu asked softly. Receiving no answer, Shuu hesitantly approached and gently shook Kaneki’s shoulder. “Kaneki?”

 

“Hmmm?” Kaneki mumbled. “What time is it…”

 

“Errr, around 3 AM?”

 

Kaneki groaned. “Then why are you waking me up…”

 

Shuu wasn’t sure how he should react. “Because… you’re in my bed?”

 

Shuu felt Kaneki stiffen under the hand that still rested on the other’s shoulder. “Oh,” Kaneki said. He sat up and shook his head before glancing around sheepishly. “Sorry, Tsukiyama… I finished the last book you gave me and came in to find another… I should have asked first, but you were taking forever to get back…”

 

“Oh, that’s quite alright,” Shuu assured him. “I was just a bit startled. I thought maybe something was wrong.”

 

“Only that you didn’t give me enough books,” Kaneki teased. Shuu felt his stomach do somersaults at the sight of Kaneki’s sleepy grin.

 

“Well, what book did you end up choosing?”

 

“Oh.” Kaneki looked around before grabbing a book that was laying open near the pillow. “This one…”

 

“The one I’m reading,” Shuu chuckled.

 

“I thought it looked interesting…” Kaneki defended. “I only meant to read a few pages, but then it turned into a few chapters… and then I guess I fell asleep.”

 

 _How can one person be this unbearably cute,_ Shuu thought. “We’ll just have to read it together then,” he said out loud.

 

“Yeah…” Kaneki replied, starting to look a bit unfocused.

 

For a moment silence stretched out between them. Shuu cleared his throat awkwardly, noting the bags under Kaneki’s eyes. “Well, I’m going to ah, grab a shower. Why don’t you go back to sleep?”  

 

“Okay…” Kaneki said slowly.

 

“Right then. Have a good night, my dear.” With that, Shuu grabbed a pair of pajamas and nearly bolted to the bathroom, firmly shutting the door behind him and taking several deep breaths. Coming home to a sleepy Kaneki in his bed was not something he had been emotionally prepared for whatsoever. _AND HE WAS SO ADORABLE TOO,_ his mind screamed in all caps. _DID YOU SEE HOW HIS HAIR WAS ALL MESSED UP?? AND I THINK HE MIGHT HAVE DROOLED ON THE PILLOW A LITTLE BIT. WHY DOES HE TEMPT ME LIKE THIS. DOES HE KNOW HOW ADORABLE HE IS? HOW BEAUTIFUL?? DOES HE UNDERSTAND HOW ATTRACTIVE I FIND HIM???_

 

Shuu sighed. _Calmato, me… Just… Calmato… by the time you’re done showering he’ll be back in his own room and everything will be fine. Completely normal. Don’t think about how beautiful Kaneki is or about how much you want to kiss him and cuddle with him and fall asleep with him..._

  
  
  


Kaneki was not back in his own room when Shuu finished his shower. He was exactly where Shuu had left him, passed out in Shuu’s bed. Not having the heart to wake him up again, (and secretly pleased that he had stayed), Shuu put a blanket over him. Determined to be as respectful and not-weird as possible, Shuu gingerly laid down on the other side of the bed, facing away from Kaneki and keeping as much space between them as possible. Shuu couldn’t help but feel flustered though, and as he stared into the darkness he could hear his heart pounding. It was going to take a long time for him to fall asleep…

  


“Tsukiyama?” Kaneki whispered quietly.

 

“Yes, Kaneki?”

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

“Oui, of course.” Heart thrumming nervously, Shuu turned over to face Kaneki. He could barely make out the outlines of the other’s features in the moonlight.

 

“That person on the rooftop… Who was that?”

 

“Ahh.” Shuu closed his eyes as a wave of grief washed over him. “That was Karren. She was a member of my household. My cousin.”

 

“Oh,” Kaneki said softly. Then, after a pause, “She didn’t make it, did she…”

 

Shuu took a deep breath. “Karren, she… She had a very difficult life. Due to certain circumstances, she felt the need to live as someone she was not. We all, of course, did everything we could to respect her wishes. But as it turned out, she really wasn’t happy living that way… But when she died, she died as the person she truly was. She was at peace. But… we all miss her terribly. _I_ miss her terribly.”

 

Kaneki nodded. “I’m sorry, Tsukiyama. I didn’t know what else to do. I kept hearing this voice, before, when we were fighting, and it just kept saying, ‘Don’t kill him,’ over and over again. ‘Don’t kill him, don’t kill him, don’t kill him.” Kaneki took a breath. “I just… Ui was right there, and I didn’t know how else to not kill you… But I had to do something to save you. I’m sorry.”

 

Shuu felt his heart squeeze. “We’ve all had to make difficult decisions.” He reached out hesitantly to place a hand on Kaneki’s arm. “Please don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s all water under the bridge now.”

 

Kaneki nodded and closed his eyes. “Thank you, Shuu…” he whispered.

 

Shuu squeezed Kaneki’s arm comfortingly, filing away the fact that Kaneki had just called him by his first name to freak out about later. “We’re alive, the two of us. We’re alive and we’re here together. That’s all that matters now.”

  
Kaneki nodded again, and within a few minutes his breathing slowed and he fell back to sleep. Shuu gazed at his face in the dim moonlight for a long time after, before eventually drifting off as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again and sorry it took so long to post this! I feel like I've finally got my shit as together as it ever is though, so hopefully the next chapter will be more prompt. Hopefully. To sort of make up for taking so long I had the virgin killer sweater make an appearance, which wasn't a meme yet when I wrote most of this chapter. So enjoy that mental image ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
> Finally, thank you so much to everyone who has sent me messages/comments and left kudos! Every single one makes me grin like an idiot. <33


	4. Pledge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Take me home, Shuu..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I've been gone for a while and I'm very sorry. Lots of things were happening, so eventually I just decided to wait until my break to finish up the chapters I'd been working on. So here's a two chapter update!
> 
> Thank you once again for all the messages, comments, and kudos. Every single one makes me very happy and I love you all!!!
> 
> Also, small note: I linked a few videos here in there for anyone who cares, but a few of them may be blocked depending on your location. If that's the case, you can use a vpn such as Hola! to easily change your location to Japan. Pro tip: As you're doing this, chant "Dark Japanese Youtube, show me the forbidden music videos." Lol. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

The next morning, Shuu woke up slowly to the sound of his alarm. Still groggy from the late night before, he was content to simply lay with his eyes shut and let the cheerful [ song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUSrmIkR-EE&list=FL8V-mX2nmq9ILXg5Ch-aU2A&index=1) play - that is, until a grouchy voice from around the vicinity of his right shoulder growled, “Turn it OFF!”

 

_Oh. OH._

 

“Ah, sorry Kaneki!” Shuu yelped as he quickly shut off his alarm. Kaneki’s only response was to groan and burrow his face further into Shuu’s shoulder.

 

Speechless, Shuu could only stare. _Are we...CUDDLING?_

 

At some point during the night, Kaneki had curled up against the right side of Shuu’s body and had slung one of his claw-like arms over Shuu’s stomach. Dimly, Shuu registered the slight feeling of pins in needles in his arm where it had fallen asleep under the weight of Kaneki’s body. Not that he minded in the least, of course.

 

Blushing furiously, Shuu took a few deep breaths to compose himself. _This is the best moment of your entire life, try not to fuck it up okay?_

 

“Umm, Kaneki? What time were you planning on getting up this morning?” Shuu’s first instinct was always to let Kaneki sleep as long as he pleased, but he had learned that sometimes Kaneki got a bit grouchy when he was allowed to sleep in even when he had things to do.

 

“....Time?” Kaneki mumbled.

 

“It’s around 11 AM.”

 

Kaneki groaned again and sat up slightly, staring at Shuu blearily.

 

“Why are you here…” he asked sleepily, and reached to smooth down a piece of Shuu’s hair.

 

A tiny part of Shuu’s brain remained coherent enough to think: _Shiiit! I went to sleep with damp hair last night and now I must have a horrifying bedhead, how embarrassing._ The rest of his brain was completely occupied with incoherent screaming.

 

Somehow, Shuu managed to choke out (yet again), “This is my bed, my dear Kaneki.”

 

Kaneki’s eyes went from half shut to wide open in an instant. In another instant, he was scrambling out of the bed.

 

“Tsukiyama I’m really sorry for falling asleep and invading your room I’ll get out right now and leave you alone I’m really sorry! I’ll leave now-”

 

“Kaneki-”

 

“And I drooled on your shirt too shit I’m sorry I really didn’t mean-”

 

“Kaneki, hold on-”

 

“And I’m sure you don’t want my arms and legs anywhere near you they’re really gross I’m sorry I’ll just go now I-”

 

“Kaneki!”

 

Kaneki paused his stream of apologies, mouth still hanging open.

 

Shuu sighed. _So much for not fucking up,_ he thought sadly, mourning the loss of Kaneki’s warmth by his side. “Kaneki, it’s perfectly fine, really. You’re always welcome here anytime, I’m more than happy to have you. You aren’t invading or anything like that.” Shuu frowned. “And your arms and legs aren’t gross, they could never be because they’re a part of you. No one has been saying things like that, have they?”

 

Kaneki looked confused. “No?”

 

“Good,” Shuu replied. “If anyone says something like that to upset you tell me right away. I’ll kill them.”

 

Kaneki just stared at him, face turning red. “Um…thank you?”

 

“Anything for you, my King.”

 

Kaneki’s face flushed a brighter red. “Well, I’ll be going then…”

 

Shuu almost protested, but decided not to push it. “Don’t forget the book,” he said instead, grabbing the book Kaneki had been reading off the nightstand and offering it to Kaneki.

 

“Oh. Yeah.” Kaneki grabbed the book and scurried from the room, face still bright red.

 

Shuu sighed again and flopped back onto his bed, squeezing his eyes shut.

 

“Good morning, Kaneki!” Shuu heard his father’s cheerful voice booming throughout the apartment. _Uh oh,_ Shuu thought. _Papa, please don’t say something weird…_

 

“Had a busy night, I see!” Mirumo continued sunnily. “You boys need any condoms? Lube?”

 

Shuu began hitting his face with a pillow. Faintly, he heard Kaneki squeak out some sort of reply.

 

“No? Well I’m sure you kids are old enough to handle it yourselves, silly me. Just don’t forget the importance of safe sex!”

 

Shuu heard the door to the bathroom slam shut as Kaneki no doubt fled to safety. He resolved to never leave his room again.

  
  
  
  


Eventually, Shuu left his room. He found Kaneki sitting at the kitchen table, working on a cup of coffee. A beam of sunlight from the window was resting on him, causing his white hair to glow brightly. _He’s truly an angel,_ Shuu thought.

 

“I, uh, saved some for you.” Kaneki muttered, keeping his eyes trained on the book.

 

“What?” Shuu asked, startled from his reverie.

 

“Coffee.” Kaneki replied.

 

“Oh! Thank you, my dear. You always make the best coffee.”

 

Kaneki glanced up quickly and looked back down just as fast, face noticeably flushed. “It’s just because it’s the coffee from :re…” he protested.

 

“Nonsense, it’s all you,” Shuu tutted as he poured himself a cup. Kaneki didn’t reply.

 

The two sat in silence for a while. Kaneki seemed to be focused intently on the book, but Shuu noticed that even after several minutes had passed Kaneki had not turned the page. Desperately, Shuu wondered if he should apologize for his father’s behavior, or just pretend that he hadn’t heard the whole exchange. He was still deliberating ten minutes later when Kaneki shut the book abruptly and finished off his coffee.

 

“Kaneki?” Shuu asked hesitantly.

 

“I was thinking we could visit Banjou and Hinami today. I know Banjou is busy watching Akira but maybe we could take Hinami out to a coffee shop or something.

 

“Oh! That sounds très bien! I’d been hoping to catch up with the little lady soon,” Shuu said delightedly.    

 

“Alright then.” Kaneki smiled slightly before glancing over at the pink and purple flower-pattern robe that Shuu was wearing. “But please wear something low key and casual, I don’t want anyone to notice us…”

  
  
  
  


 

Shuu did his best to wear something low key, he really did. It was just that he didn’t own much that was both low key _and_ casual. _At least the lavender shirt is a solid color,_ he thought as he reemerged from his room.

 

“Kaneki, are you ready to go?” he called.

 

“Hold on,” Kaneki replied from his room. A moment later his door swung open to reveal-

 

“Oh,” Shuu said.

 

“Call me Kaneko. How do I look?” Kaneki asked, before spinning around to allow his _very short_ skirt to fly up around his legs.

 

For a moment Shuu could only stare. Apparently Kaneki’s confidence in his ability to disguise himself as a girl had not been unfounded. He was wearing a shoulder-length black wig, red lipstick, and the sort of clothes that Rize might wear. He looked absolutely stunning.

 

“You look great,” Shuu croaked.

 

“Thanks,” Kaneki said as he strode past Shuu toward the door. “So do you. Let’s go.”

 

 _Did Kaneki just compliment me??_ Shuu screeched mentally as he rushed to follow.

  
  
  
  


Kaneki’s disguise was a big hit with Banjou and Hinami. Hina, sweetheart that she was, immediately switched from calling him the usual “onii-chan” to “onee-chan” with a conspiratorial grin. Banjou made uncomfortable eye contact with Shuu while casually asking Kaneki if he had dressed that way in order to take advantage of the couples discounts that were appearing in various shops with Valentine’s day around the corner.

 

“Oh, but onii-chan doesn’t need to become onee-chan in order for him and Flower-Man to look like a couple!” Hinami pointed out gleefully before Kaneki could respond.

 

_Wait. WHAT??_

 

“Touché,” snorted Banjou, looking equally gleeful.

 

“Okay,” Shuu started nervously. “Maybe we should get going now before that coffee shop closes…”

 

Completely ignoring him, Kaneki asked, “Hold on, Hina, what do you guys mean by that?”

 

Hinami giggled and rolled her eyes at a now exasperated looking Banjou before replying. “Well from what I hear from Ayato, you two are practically inseparable these days. You’re even living together now!” Hinami raised her eyebrows suggestively. “You never let Flower-Man live with us before, no matter how much he begged. And he was so heartbroken over it too!”

 

“Congratulations on that, by the way,” Banjou chimed in, nodding toward Shuu. Shuu muttered an embarrassed “Merci beaucoup” in response.

 

Kaneki looked uncomfortable. “Tsukiyama has proved himself more than reliable at this point, that’s all.”

 

Hinami and Banjou exchanged another look as a slightly awkward silence filled the room.

 

“Well,” Hinami said after a beat, “I suppose we really should get going! I’ve got a book shop I want to stop by on the way if that’s alright?”

 

“Of course. What books are you hoping to get?” Kaneki asked her as they began making their way outside.

 

Shuu sighed softly as he followed them out. _“That’s all,”_ Kaneki’s words echoed in his mind. “ _That’s all.”_

 

 _That’s right,_ thought Shuu dismally. _That really is all. No matter what it looks like to others, it’ll never go beyond me simply being “reliable.” I shouldn’t get any ideas, it’ll only lead to disappointment. I really am just the King’s wallet, after all..._

  
  
  


The coffee shop was a new one that Hori had recommended that they check out during one of her impromptu drop-ins, so in hindsight Shuu shouldn’t have been surprised to get a text from her barely five minutes after they took their seats.

  


**Little Mouse:**!!!!!

 

 **Little Mouse:** Ur on a date with a sexy-cute Kaneki!!

 

 **Moon Moon:** IT’S NOT A DATE

 

 **Moon Moon:** Where are you???

 

 **Little Mouse:** So have u seen what kind of sexy undies he’s wearing under that skirt yet or does that come after ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **Moon Moon:** DAMN IT HORI I’VE BEEN TRYING NOT TO FOLLOW THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT YOU RUINED ITTTTTT

  


Shuu glanced up quickly at the sound of someone’s throat clearing. Kaneki and Hinami were both staring at him from across the table.

 

“Everything alright, Tsukiyama?” Kaneki asked.

 

“Uh.” Shuu realized that his face was burning yet again. “Hori is...in the vicinity.”

 

“Hori Chie?” Hinami asked, looking around. “Oh, there she is.”

 

Shuu looked behind him to see Hori waving as she got up to join their table. “Hi Hina!” she said once she had arrived and taken a seat. “Good to see you again. Nice of you to chaperon these two on their date.”

 

Hinami snorted. “It is nice of me, isn’t it!”

 

Hori grinned at her before turning to Kaneki. “I got an interesting call from Mirumo today. He wanted me to make sure you two had plenty of _supplies_.”

 

Kaneki flushed. “That...was a complete misunderstanding.”

 

Noticing Hinami’s widening eyes, Shuu pushed aside his desire to sink into the floor and quickly intervened. “Hori, the little lady is present…”

 

Hori scoffed. “Oh please, she’s 17. And making much quicker progress with her love life than you _ever_ have, I might add.”

 

Now it was Hinami’s turn to blush. “Huh? Hinami?” Kaneki turned toward the girl in surprise.

 

Shuu must have been wearing a look of surprise as well, because Hori rolled her eyes and said, “Oh please, you two are so dense. Always too wrapped up in your own angst to pay attention to anyone else! Everyone knows that Hina and Ayato are an item.”

 

“WHAT?” Shuu and Kaneki sputtered in unison.

 

“We are not an item!” Hinami protested. “Well at least, he hasn’t asked me properly yet…” she added quietly.

 

“Hah! You can’t count on men for anything,” Hori told her. “You want something, you gotta get it yourself. Now, here’s what you need to do…”

 

As Hori began to give Hinami what sounded like some awful dating advice, Shuu noticed that Kaneki’s eyes looked a little glazed over.

 

“Kaneko?” he asked quietly.

 

Kaneki jumped a little and shook his head, smiling a little sadly. “Three years...they grow up so fast…”

 

Shuu returned the smile hesitantly. “They really do…”

  
  
  


“You’re working tonight, right? Playing piano at the bar?” Kaneki asked after they had dropped Hinami off with Banjou and sent Hori on her way.

 

“Ah, yes,” replied Shuu, caught slightly off guard. “Why, did you need me for something?”

 

“No, no. I was thinking maybe I could come and watch this time? I’m already all dressed up after all.” It may have been Shuu’s imagination, but he could have swore the Kaneki had batted his eyelashes a bit as he said that last line.

 

 _Ah mon dieu,_ Shuu thought as his palms began to sweat. _I’ll mess up a million times with Kaneki watching me play, I just know it…_

 

“Of course you can, my dear,” Shuu said aloud. After all, who was he to deny Kaneki a fun night out just because he was an idiot who could barely function in the presence of his crush?

 

And so a few hours later Shuu found himself leading Kaneki into the bar that he would be performing at that night. He quickly introduced Kaneki to the manager, a fellow ghoul, and requested that Kaneki be given a table with a good view of the stage before hurrying off to prepare for his performance.

 

Shuu’s preparation consisted mostly of giving himself a pep talk in the form of “Calmato, calmato, don’t fuck up because Kaneki is here, calmato…” And to his surprise, he didn’t. Upon seating himself at the piano he looked up and met Kaneki’s eyes from where he had been seated. Kaneki grinned and raised a glass of what Shuu assumed was blood wine, and Shuu blushed and quickly looked away. After that he forced himself to focus only on the music, and before he knew it he was done.

 

“This was the best I’ve ever seen you play yet,” the manager beamed at him. “You’re definitely getting a bonus for tonight. Playing to impress that pretty girl you brought, eh?” The man enthusiastically patted Shuu on the back. “She’s quite a catch!”

 

“Um. Yes.” Shuu squeaked.

 

“Well you best go find her then then,” the manager winked. “A gentleman shouldn’t keep a hottie like that waiting!”

 

“...Right,” Shuu squeaked again before fleeing.

 

“There you are,” Kaneki slurred once Shuu found him. “Good... piano playing.”

 

“Kaneko, are you drunk?” Shuu stared in shock.

 

 _*Hic*_ “Nope!” At Shuu’s look of disbelief, Kaneki amended, “Well you see. All these guys? They kept asking if they could buy me a drink. But I can’t drink what they drink? So I kept drinking this instead. So they wouldn’t ask.”

 

Shuu scowled at the realization that a bunch of guys had been hitting on Kaneki. “No one bothered you, did they? How much did you even have to drink?”

 

“Who knows, who cares? I’m not drunk!” replied a most definitely drunk Kaneki. Suddenly he stood up and tottered a few steps toward Shuu, latching onto his arm. “Quit frowning like that! Take me home, Shuu…”

 

Shuu’s heart sped up at the sudden contact. _“Take me home??” Does he even realise how that sounds?? This flirty Kaneko persona is going to be the death of me._

 

Shuu quickly led Kaneki outside and hailed a cab. Once he’d gotten him inside the vehicle Kaneki flopped limply onto Shuu’s shoulder, filling Shuu’s nose with his incredible scent. _Apparently Kaneki is a sleepy drunk. How cute…_

 

It turned out that Kaneki was in fact not just a sleepy drunk, but a grumpy drunk as well.

 

“Kaneki, please just put on your pajamas and go to sleep,” Shuu pleaded, dodging the black wig that came flying toward him. As soon as they had gotten back to the apartment, Kaneki had flopped face-first onto his bed, unfurled several of his tentacle kagune, and began bossily demanding more blood wine.

 

“I don’t want to sleep, I want to drink,” Kaneki grumbled petulantly, and flailed his tentacles around angrily to illustrate his point.

 

“You’ve had more than enough for one night,” Shuu protested as he edged toward the door. “Do you have a wig stand or something you want me to put that wig on?”

 

A tentacle shot out and wrapped around his wrist, dragging him toward the bed. “You’re not leaving so that you can bring me more wine, are you… You should, you know. I’m your king.” Kaneki sat up and squinted at him.

 

Shuu smiled gently. “As much as I love taking orders from you, my King, I’m afraid that this is one that I cannot obey.”

 

Kaneki huffed in disappointment. _Adorable,_ thought Shuu fondly. _And so handsome, even when he’s totally trashed…_

 

“Beautiful,” whispered Kaneki, startling Shuu from his thoughts.

 

“Huh?”

 

“You’re so beautiful,” Kaneki murmured, and suddenly his hand was in Shuu’s hair, brushing the fringe away from his face.

 

“Ka-KANEKI?”

 

“Not like me,” Kaneki continued, ignoring Shuu’s sputtering. “I’m like Frankenstein’s monster, all broken and ugly bits barely held together. I don’t understand why someone like you would want to be seen next to someone like me.”

 

Shuu’s heart ached as he gazed at the man he loved, a man that was so full of anguish, hidden underneath the surface. _I probably can’t even fully imagine the depths of his pain right now,_ Shuu thought unhappily. _I so desperately want to help him, but ultimately I’m useless…_

 

“Kaneki,” he murmured, and gently cupped the other man’s cheek in his hand. “Look at me. Listen to me carefully.”

 

Kaneki stared at him, and Shuu noticed unhappily that his eyes were glistening with tears.

 

“Kaneki, you’re not a monster, and you aren’t broken. You’re perfect. Well, maybe not quite perfect,” he amended. “But to me you are. I wouldn’t change a thing about you. I’m always proud of you, you know? It doesn’t matter if you’re leading a revolution as the one-eyed or living as a goat herder on a remote island. I’ll always want to stand beside you. You’re the only one for me. The only one.” Softly, Shuu brushed his thumb against Kaneki's cheek before letting him go.

 

Kaneki looked down thoughtfully for a long moment. Finally he said, “Are you sure about that wine?”

 

“Yes, no more wine tonight,” Shuu chuckled.

 

“Fine.” Kaneki sighed and pulled the covers over himself. The tentacle holding Shuu’s wrist released its grip. “Goodnight, Tsukiyama.”

 

“Goodnight, my dear,” Shuu replied.

 

“Sleep well,” Kaneki called once Shuu was almost out the door.

 

“You too, mon amour.” Shuu smiled softly, taking one last look before gently shutting the door.

  


  

 

Not long after what would forever be known in Shuu’s mind as “The Drunken Kaneki Incident”, the first batch of white suits arrived at the hideout. Shuu immediately busied himself with organizing them for Kaneki’s inspection. _Hopefully seeing these will cheer him up a bit… Visiting with Hina was a good distraction for him, but he’s been looking so serious these past few days. I’m sure the state of the lady investigator’s health weighs heavily on his mind..._

 

Suddenly several shouts of “Naki!” and “Bro!” filled the corridor outside. _Oh great,_ Shuu thought as the door was violently kicked open.

 

“Oh?” Shuu put on a pleasant face as he glanced up at the panting ghoul that had just barged in.

 

“Tsuchiyama!!” Naki hollered.

 

“It’s Tsukiyama.” replied Shuu, suppressing the urge to roll his eyes.

 

“What the hell are you guys tryna do with all these white suits?” Naki demanded.    

 

Shuu smirked. “If I recall correctly, you decided not to side with us. So it’s a secret.”

 

“These suits are our pride and honor. I dunno what you idiots are plannin’, but...” Naki scowled, grabbing his own white suit by the lapels. “I ain’t gonna sit by and let you do whatever ya want.”

 

“I just gathered them as requested. If you want to know why, ask yourself.” Shuu gestured toward the doorway. “He’s right behind you.”

 

Naki turned to face Kaneki, who had entered the room wearing a serious expression.

 

“These suits will be used as part of our plan. We will require your cooperation as well. At least, that’s what I had asked Miza to tell you, but…” Kaneki glanced toward Miza. “Did you tell him about the plan?”

 

“Well,” Miza began nervously, “He just ran off midway through the conversation and...my bad.”

 

“Allow me to explain,” Kaneki started, but Naki immediately interrupted.

 

“Nope. Save it. I’ll never side with you.”

 

Looking a bit annoyed, Kaneki walked over to stand next to Shuu. Despite the seriousness of the situation, Shuu couldn’t help but be excited that Kaneki had picked _him_ to stand next to.

 

“Joining hands with the fucker that killed our big bro, that just ain’t our style!” Naki ranted.

 

“‘Style’, huh,” Kaneki mused. “‘We ghouls are made to steal from each other.’ Those are Yamori’s words. It is true that I sent Yamori to his death. But, I only did so to ensure that I myself would live. I fought Yamori on the terms of his ‘style’, and I won. That’s it.”

 

Shuu eyed Naki and his cohorts carefully, worried that they might react badly to Kaneki’s words. They looked angry, but also slightly intimidated. _As they should,_ he thought smugly.

 

“Naki. I need the strength of the white suits,” Kaneki continued. “What does your style say I need to do in order to ensure that you follow me?”

 

“We got a pretty simple way of doing things in the 13th Ward.” Naki began pulling off his outer coat. “The strongest guy takes all.”

 

“I see.” Kaneki cracked his knuckles. “Come then. You want to kill me anyway, don’t you?”

 

“You fucking betcha!” Naki growled, running at Kaneki full-tilt.

 

“So this is all the leader of the white suits is made of?” asked Kaneki, looking bored as he blocked Naki’s blows. “You are barely fit to lick Yamori’s boots.”

 

 _Niiiice,_ Shuu thought, unable to contain a proud smile.

 

Naki continued to yell in protest as Kaneki kept evading him, pulling off the long coat he’d borrowed from Shuu in the process.

 

 _VERY NICE,_ Shuu thought as the form-fitting sleeveless shirt Kaneki was wearing underneath was revealed. _The long gloves I found for him look really good with that shirt too… really good…_

 

Naki, meanwhile, managed to get ahold of Kaneki’s leg. Shuu cringed a bit at the painful angle of Kaneki’s leg as he maneuvered himself into a fearsome kick that sent Naki crashing into the wall.

 

“Care to continue?” Kaneki asked, warning clear in his voice as he unfurled his kagune.

 

Evidently Naki didn’t, as he immediately relinquished control of the white suits and began tearfully asking about Yamori.

 

 _What a silly fuss,_ Shuu thought as he watched Kaneki extend his hand to the fallen ghoul. _But mon dieu, it’s always a thrill to see Kaneki’s tough side..._

 

  
  


“You handled the situation with Naki very smoothly,” Shuu told Kaneki later that evening as they sat reading on the apartment’s couch. Kaneki had his leg propped up on the coffee table with a bag ice cubes propped against it. Kaneki had protested the makeshift ice pack, arguing that his healing abilities would take care of the injury from the fight in no time. Shuu, however, had insisted on fussing over him, and eventually Kaneki submitted to the ice. Shuu wasn’t even sure if ice packs could help ghouls the same way they did humans, but he figured it couldn’t hurt.  

 

“Mmm,” replied Kaneki distractedly. “Tsukiyama, I need to ask something of you.”

 

“Of course, what is it?” Shuu asked. _He’ll probably ask for more suits or something… but still, this tremolo in my chest…_

 

“Was what you said that night true? About wanting to stand beside me and all that?”

 

Shuu’s eyes widened. “You were so drunk, I’m surprised you remember. But of course I meant it, every word. Why do you ask?”

 

Kaneki looked down, almost nervously. “I’d like you to be my second in command.”

 

“Your...what?” Shuu’s mouth dropped open in surprise.

 

“Not officially, exactly,” Kaneki hurried to explain. “I don’t want people fighting over positions of power and things like that. But I’d like you to take charge at times when I’m occupied or not around. Especially when we’re fighting the CCG and the clowns…”

 

“Why Kaneki, if that’s what you want then of course I’ll do it. I’d be honored. But are you sure? To be quite honest, I’d prefer staying by you all the time. So that I can ensure that nothing happens to you, as your knight.”

 

Kaneki smiled softly. “I appreciate the sentiment, but I’m sure. You sort of already run this place anyway. And… I trust you. I trust you to make the right decisions.”

 

Shuu flushed and felt tears prick the corners of his eyes. _Trust…_

 

Quickly, he composed himself. Crying right now would be embarrassing to say the least.

  
“That’s very kind of you to say. If that’s what you need of me, then of course I’ll be your ‘unofficial second in command.’” Shuu grinned and firmly held Kaneki’s gaze. “I am at your service, my King.”


	5. Just So You Know

“Oi, Tsukiyama. There’s a situation with that Cochlea group, you’d better get down here.”

 

“Oui, Oui, I’ll be right down.” Shuu sighed and hung up his phone, looking with regret at the coffee he’d just brewed.  _ So much for a peaceful morning… _

 

Shuu began to hear the yelling as soon as he reached the lower level of the hideout. Quickly he came upon a group of ghouls gathered around two bound individuals on their knees, who appeared to be the source of all the ruckus. 

 

Several of the ghouls turned as he approached, among them Ayato, who had given him the call. “What’s going on here?’ Shuu asked sharply. 

 

“These two decided to desert, went prattling around trying to talk others into leaving with them,” Fuka spoke up gruffly. “But of course the rest of my men immediately informed me of the situation. It’s under control, there’s really no need for you to be here.”

 

“You’re all being led to your deaths!” “The One-Eyed King is the King of Fakes!” The two deserters hollered. 

Shuu sighed. “Clearly there  _ is _ a need for me to be here. First of all, you tied them up, why didn’t you gag them too? No one needs to hear this drivel.”

 

“Well, I was questioning them…” Fuka said, looking annoyed. 

 

“What on earth for? No, don’t answer that, it doesn’t matter.” Shuu looked down his nose at the two men, voice low and dangerous. “You are both fools. If you were dissatisfied you could have just left quietly in the night, and no one would have noticed in time to stop you. But you had to stay and make a ruckus. And now I can’t let you leave, can I?”

 

Slowly, Shuu let out his kagune and let it wrap around his arm, watching with pleasure as the two men began to sweat. Several of those gathered around took a few steps back as well. “Out there in the big bad world, who knows what trouble you might get up too. Can’t have you telling our enemies our information now, can I?”  

 

“Fuck you. I’m not dying for that Kaneki Ken’s stupid cause,” spat one of the men. 

 

“Well, I suppose you won’t,” Shuu said evenly. “Au revoir.” With a clean swing of Shuu’s kagune, the man’s head went flying. 

 

The second man looked terrified. “H-hey, wait a minute…”

 

“This is the consequence of defying the King,” Shuu said coldly. 

 

“S-seriously? Still going on with that king stuff?” The man blustered. “I bet you don’t even believe in this stupid cause. I know what  _ you’re  _ here for, I know what you and him get up to with your ‘ _ sparring’,  _ you-”

 

The man cut himself short as he noticed the glare that Shuu was giving him. “Is that really something you want to say to the person who holds your life in your hands?” Shuu asked coolly. “How about ‘Your outfit is very dashing today, Tsukiyama’ or “Your hair looks lovely today, Tsukiyama’?”

 

“Uhh…”

 

“Well, if you’re done blithering,” Shuu continued, “Au revoir.” The second man’s head joined the first man’s, and then Shuu stabbed him in the chest a few times for good measure.

 

“Make sure this doesn’t happen again,” Shuu told Fuka, narrowing his eyes. 

 

“Right,” Fuka replied. “I’ll just, uh, get rid of the bodies then.”

 

“No, you won’t. These will make a good dinner for our king.”

 

“Oh!” Fuka blinked. “I’ll carry them up to him then.”

 

_ Stupid brown noser, you just don’t miss a beat, do you?  _ “No, you will not,” Shuu glared. “Your tramping around will just disturb the King. Just… go and make sure your subordinates are under control, alright?”

 

Fuka looked nonplussed. “Alright then, have fun carrying two bodies up the stairs by yourself,” he called on his way out.

 

Shuu sighed as the rest of the crowd began to disperse. “You could at least be a little more subtle about your jealousy over that guy, you know,” Ayato said with a smirk.

 

“Thanks for your input, Ayato. You wouldn’t be interested in helping me with these bodies, would you?” Shuu huffed in irritation. 

 

“I wouldn’t want to  _ disturb _ the King,” Ayato laughed. “Have fun bringing dinner home to the hubbie~” Ayato waved cheekily and scooted out of the room. 

 

Shuu sighed again.  _ If only it was really like that… well, at least Kaneki will be pleased. Hopefully.  _ A flush still on his face, Shuu hoisted up one of the bodies and prepared to drag it up the stairs. 

  
  


Kaneki had emerged by the time Shuu brought up the second body. “Oh, you’re awake! I brought you a gift, my dear!” Shuu called out cheerfully as he dragged the second corpse into the kitchen. 

 

“Uh, Tsukiyama. Why are there dead people in the kitchen. Weren’t these Fuka’s men? I know you don’t get along with Fuka, but really, this is a bit much...” Kaneki said, looking confused. 

 

“Some deserters,” Shuu explained. “They weren’t too bright. I took care of them personally, of course. And I brought them to you for dinner!”

 

“Oh,” said Kaneki, looking dazed. “Thank you?”

 

“It’s my pleasure, dear,” Shuu beamed. “Now would you mind helping me dismember them so they’ll fit in the freezer? Oh, and they’ll need to be labeled as ghoul meat. It wouldn’t be good if my father or I accidentally ate some.”

 

“Sure… Why wouldn’t it be good? Hori mentioned something about you cannibalizing before.”

 

“Genetic condition,” Shuu replied, waving his arm vaguely. “It’s a bit complicated. If you really want to know I’ll tell you about it some other time. For now, let’s just focus on your dinner, Oui?”

 

“Oui…” Kaneki said, then blushed slightly.  _ Aww, he’s picking up some French. Adorable! _

 

“Oh, that’s right…” Kaneki straightened as he remembered something. “Nishiki called, apparently there’s some news with regards to Akira’s situation…”

  
  
  
  
  


“What do we do if this turns out to be a trap?” Nishiki inquired, folding his arms. 

 

“I don’t think that would be much of a problem.” Kaneki replied. “It’d let us figure out who’s after us. A good opportunity, actually.”

 

“Hmmn, good idea. Kaneki.” Shuu nodded approvingly.

 

The three of them were currently lurking under some stairs, waiting for their only lead in helping the lady investigator - Akira - recover. Privately, Shuu wasn’t sure how much help he’d be in this meeting. After all, Nishiki was the one who’d been monitoring the whole situation closely, not him. But Shuu was happy that Kaneki had asked him to come along all the same.  _ I guess he really was serious about that second in command stuff, huh… _

 

“Also, how’d you you come up with the money for those suits,” Nishiki asked him.

 

“I had Tycho do it,” Shuu replied. But before he could explain further, two figures emerged in front of them.

 

“I am Ogura, of Great Wheel Act,” said the first figure, a portly and sweaty man.

 

“Dr. Ogura, was it?” Shuu asked. “If I remember correctly, weren’t you… Yes, I’ve seen you on TV. You’ve spread quite a bit of nonsense about us, haven’t you?”

 

“I’ve come to regret much of what I said back then. Quite embarrassing really, I’m sorry.” Ogura looked down awkwardly. “At the moment, however, I am but the vice-secretary of Great Wheel Act.”

 

“I’m surprised just the two of you made it all the way out here.” Shuu narrowed his eyes. “If we had happened to be less friendly, what would you have done? Just about every ghoul goes hungry in this day and age.”

 

“What’s the point of threatening them, Tsukiyama?” muttered Nishiki.

 

‘I’m just making sure they’re actually worth negotiating with,” Shuu muttered back.

 

“I have only given that business card to individuals I can trust,” Ogura said nervously.

 

“I have no interest in how you managed to make your way here,” interrupted Kaneki. “Is it true that you have a medical team at your disposal?”

 

“Y-yes,” stuttered Ogura. “Outwardly, our team specializes in the care of humans but within the organization, there are those who are well-informed about ghouls. We possess the knowledge to treat a ghoul as well.” 

 

A pregnant pause followed as the three of them digested the information. “W-well, then,” Ogura said nervously, “Shall we move somewhere more convenient?”

 

Kaneki, Shuu, and Nishiki shared a look in silence, before Kaneki finally gave a small nod. 

 

And that’s how they ended up, to Shuu’s delight, in a karaoke box. 

 

Shuu knew he should’ve been paying closer attention, really he did. He was here to help Kaneki, after all. But he loved singing. And karaoke. He simply couldn’t resist.

“Come on. What’s with the ‘beep beep’?” Nishiki asked in exasperation as Shuu picked out a song. Shuu simply smirked at him before launching into a lovely rendition of “ [ A Whole New World ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeDYx7Tkc7I) ”.

 

Ogura talked as Shuu sang, explaining the origins of their little organization to Kaneki. After a few moments the music shut off, and Shuu turned around to find Kaneki shooting him a look.  _ Oops. Better pay attention.  _

 

Ogura’s wide-eyed assistant began talking about the medical treatment of ghouls, at one point eliciting a reaction from Nishiki upon mentioning a member that was in love with a ghoul.  _ Ah, Kimi,  _ Shuu thought. He was surprised to find himself feeling bad for Nishiki, knowing all too well what it was like to not be with the one you love.  _ I never would have cared before… I guess I really have changed.  _

 

“Surprisingly,” continued the assistant, (whom Shuu had secretly nicknamed ‘Bowl Cut’), “It seems that, aside from the handling of RC cells, the treatment of of humans and ghouls doesn’t differ that much.”

 

“‘As long as you can suppress the activity of the RC cells, surgical procedures for regular humans will work fine.’ Is that about right?” Shuu asked, speaking into the microphone with a wink.  _ See Kaneki, I’m paying attention… _

 

“Indeed,” Bowl Cut answered.

 

“So we need an RC suppressor drug,” Kaneki said thoughtfully. 

 

“Right you are,” said Bowl Cut. “Regarding the ‘heavily injured woman’ you told us about… At the moment, we believe we should treat her as if she were a normal human. However, if we cannot suppress the activity of the RC cells that proliferated inside her due to the kagune-based healing that she has already undergone… The problem is that the RC suppressor drug is available only to special affiliate organizations of the CCG. The average individual cannot get ahold of it.”

 

“Then we’ll just infiltrate their lab,” Kaneki said, eliciting a hilariously shocked expression from Bowl Cut.

 

“This isn’t ‘bring your friends to work day,’” Nishiki said nervously.

 

“I have heard from some of the researchers there that the drug is stockpiled inside the lab,” Kaneki responded calmly.

 

“But, even if we manage to make it into the laboratory, are you confident you’ll even be able to identify the right drug?” Shuu asked.

 

“Yes.” A pause. “I’ve smelled it countless times before. That pungent odor that fills the nostrils… I’d never forget it,” Kaneki said with a dark look.

 

“Hm,” Shuu murmured, looking away.  _ That look was rather foreboding… I worry if it will even be a good idea for Kaneki to be in such an environment again. _

 

“We will contact you again once we’ve obtained the RC suppressor drug,” Kaneki told the two humans.

 

“O-okay,” Bowl Cut said nervously.

 

“I didn’t think Ogura himself would actually make an appearance, but…” Kaneki mused once the two had taken their leave. “Nishio. The founder of Great Wheel Act, was that…”

 

“Kaneki,” Nishiki interrupted, grabbing a microphone. “We’ve still got this room for a while. Join me.”

 

Kaneki’s eyes widened a moment, then he smiled shyly. “I’m quite bad, you know.”

 

“Ffu…” Shuu chuckled. “You’re hopeless, both of you.” 

 

Despite his words he was incredibly excited to hear Kaneki sing, so he quickly chose a popular song, ‘ [ Unravel ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQMmVCv8P3w) ’ by TK from 凛として時雨. He found himself frowning a little as listened to the lyrics, however.  _ These are… oddly appropriate for Kaneki, in a sad way… _ Shuu resolved to pick something more upbeat for the next song.  _ Kaneki is so gloomy already, I need to make sure he has fun… _

  
  


_ Mon dieu, maybe we’re having a little too much fun,  _ Shuu found himself mentally screeching a while later after Nishiki had managed to talk Kaneki into singing a duet with Shuu, and then gleefully chosen a light hearted love song called  [ ベッド ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yw8LNsd8NCc&list=FL8V-mX2nmq9ILXg5Ch-aU2A&index=2) (Bed).  _ He’s been hearing stories from Hori and Hina, hasn’t he,  _ Shuu thought, face flushing beet red. He barely made it through the song without passing out, but felt a bit encouraged by the fact that despite the slight blush on his face, Kaneki wasn’t protesting at all. 

 

“You had a nice time, didn’t you?” Shuu asked Kaneki later as they headed home. 

 

“Yes, I did,” Kaneki admitted, grinning sheepishly. 

 

“Awww, how cute,” Nishiki crooned in the background. 

 

“We’ll have to come back some time, and bring some more friends with us!” Shuu exclaimed, ignoring Nishiki.

 

Kaneki nodded. “I think that would be nice,” he said softly, and Shuu’s heart soared.

  
  
  
  
  


“Tsukiyama, what time is it?” Kaneki muttered sleepily the next morning as he flopped onto the couch next to Shuu. 

 

“It’s 10:35, my dear,” Shuu answered, looking up from his book and holding his watch out for Kaneki’s inspection. 

 

“Uhg,” Kaneki groaned. “I was supposed to go to :re this morning, to let everyone there know how the meeting with Ogura went…”

 

“Well we’d better get going then,” Shuu chuckled. “They’ve probably been expecting you for a while.”

 

“Uhg,” Kaneki groaned again. “Morning people…”

  
  
  
  
  


“Good morning, everyone!” Shuu called as he followed Kaneki into the cafe a while later. 

 

“It’s about time you got here,” said Touka, looking up from her place at the counter. “Hirako and the kids have been loitering around all day…”

 

“Oh come on now, Kaneki needs his sleep!” Shuu protested as Kaneki opened his mouth to apologize.

 

“Kaneki just needs some coffee,” said Touka, rolling her eyes. “You spoil him too much, Bakayama.” 

 

Soon almost everyone had gathered around in one of :re’s backrooms, and Kaneki explained the results of the meeting and his plans to raid the CCG lab. Once that was over, Yomo quickly pulled Shuu aside to ask his opinion on what sort of flowers they should get to brighten up the cafe a bit. 

 

“Everyone keeps saying that we should decorate, what with spring on the way and all,” Yomo confided, looking a bit distressed. “Touka told me to handle it, but I don’t know anything about flowers!” 

 

“You’ve come to the right person!” Shuu exclaimed in delight before launching into a very long and drawn out explanation of what flowers would suit the various locations of :re best, along with thorough explanations of the flower language meanings for each of them. Yomo looked a bit overwhelmed by all the information, so Shuu generously wrote down some notes to help him remember.  

 

“And that’s about it!” Shuu said cheerfully after finishing his long winded exposition of which flowers should decorate the outside of :re and why. “Hmm, I should go find Kaneki.”

 

“Right,” replied a shell-shocked Yomo. “Thanks for the.. advice.”

 

“Anytime!” Shuu called as he reentered the cafe. Scanning the area, he saw that just about everyone was present - but there was no sign of the One-Eyed King. 

 

“He’s still in the backroom with Touka,” said one of the Squad 0 kids at his inquiry. 

 

Shuu frowned slightly, feeling jealousy rising in his chest.  _ It’s probably nothing… _ he told told himself. He didn’t sound convinced, even in his head.

 

“You’re not listening to what I’m telling you, Kaneki!” Touka’s irritated voice carried through the cracked door as Shuu approached. “Do you ever think of anyone else’s feelings? No, you know what, never mind.” 

 

_ Wait… what’s going on?  _ Shuu halted awkwardly in front of the door, unsure if he should interrupt. Cautiously, he peeked through the crack in the door. 

 

Touka was cleaning up the coffee cups from the earlier meeting, rather aggressively it seemed judging by all the noise she was making. Kaneki was sitting quietly, and unreadable expression on his face. Shuu noted with concern that he jumped slightly every time Touka clattered the dishes.  _ Well that settles it,  _ Shuu thought. 

 

“Look, Kaneki, I -” Touka began again as Shuu cleared his throat and stepped in the room. 

 

Kaneki’s eyes widened slightly. “Tsukiyama,” he breathed.

 

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Shuu said pleasantly.

 

“You...” Touka began, but Kaneki was already up and walking quickly toward Shuu. 

 

“Where have you been?” Kaneki asked, reaching out and gripping Shuu’s arm.

 

_...Huh?  _ “With Yomo?” Shuu answered, staring in confusion at Kaneki’s hand that was suddenly attached to his arm.  

 

“Watch,” Kaneki explained tersely, pulling Shuu’s arm up to examine the accessory in question. 

 

“It’s time for us to go,” Kaneki said to Touka. “We still need to tell the group at everything we just told you. I’ll let you know when we’ve made further plans. Thanks for the coffee.”

 

“Sure?” Touka said, looking surprised at the abrupt announcement of departure.  

  
  
  
  


“Kaneki… we already told everyone at the hideout about what happened at the meeting, right after we got back,” Shuu said quietly as they walked home.

 

“Mhm,” Kaneki said shortly.

 

“Is...everything okay?”

 

“Fine.”

 

Shuu made a few more attempts at conversation, but he gave up when they all produced similar responses from Kaneki. They finished the walk in silence.

  
  
  
  
  


“Sorry, Tsukiyama, I don’t want to spar today,” Kaneki said once they’d arrived at the apartment. 

 

“Ah, okay,” Tsukiyama answered worriedly.  _ He’s not mad at me, is he? _

 

“Also I’d like you to call Banjou for me and ask for the status report on Akira. And please apologize to Miza and let her know that I won’t be available to talk to her until tomorrow. If anyone else asks for me tell them I’m busy.”

 

“Alright,” Shuu said evenly.  _ He’s basically cancelling all his plans for the day…  _ “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

 

“No, that’s all. Thank you.”

 

“Of course, my King.”

  
  
  
  


Shuu reentered the apartment about twenty minutes later, after finishing everything Kaneki asked him to do. “Kaneki?” he called quietly, but received no reply.  

 

Shuu sighed sadly.  _ He’s shutting me out, isn’t he… _

 

The book Kaneki had been reading was still sitting on the coffee table. Shuu picked it up, and carefully made his way toward Kaneki’s room. “I’m back. May I come in?” he asked as he knocked gently on the door. 

 

“Yes,” Kaneki answered. 

 

Quietly Shuu entered, appraising the room. It looked neat as usual, and Shuu noted with relief that there were no signs that Kaneki was preparing to leave. Kaneki himself was lying curled up on top of the bed, blankly staring straight ahead. 

 

“You can sit down,” he murmured. 

 

Shuu glanced around, but as expected there were no chairs in the room. Gingerly, he sat down on the bed.

 

“Banjou says that there’s no change in Mado’s condition, which is, of course, the best we can hope for right now,” Shuu began. “Miza says tomorrow will work fine for her. Fuka asked for you and I told him you were busy, like you said.”

 

“Thank you,” Kaneki murmured.

 

“Kaneki… I don’t know what’s wrong, but you can talk to me about anything, if you want to,” Shuu said hesitantly after a moment.

 

No response.

 

“Right, well then,” Shuu began to stand up. “I’ll leave your book here for you, okay? Please don’t hesitate to tell me if there’s anything you need.”

 

“Wait,” Kaneki said quickly.

 

Shuu sat back down. Silence stretched on again, the pounding of his heart the only sound in Shuu’s ears. Then, slowly, Kaneki sat up. 

 

“I’m sorry I’ve been out of sorts. I just…” Kaneki trailed off a moment.

 

“She hit me. Touka. When I went back to :re for the first time after Cochlea. It felt like it came out of nowhere — we were having a nice conversation, and suddenly she just slammed my head into the table. That’s why I had the eyepatch on that day…” Kaneki’s brows furrowed and he looked down, seeming to struggle with his thoughts. 

 

“Kaneki…” Shuu didn’t know what to say. He was familiar with Touka’s violent tendencies, but she’d seemed to have mellowed out a bit recently. Regardless, the thought of  _ anyone _ hurting Kaneki didn’t sit right with him.  _ I guess this is why he seemed so uncomfortable earlier... _

 

Kaneki spoke again, voice barely above a whisper. “My mom was like that.”

 

Shuu felt his heart drop into the pit of his stomach. “Oh…”

 

“One minute she’d be kind and caring, but then I would set her off by asking her for something, or something like that, and the next thing I knew she’d be hitting me. And then when she died I moved in with my aunt’s family, and my aunt…” Kaneki snapped his mouth shut, furiously avoiding eye contact. “I’m sorry. I’ve never told anyone this before, I don’t mean to bother you with it. I know that Touka doesn’t mean to hurt me in the same way so I should just deal with it. I just… need some time I guess. Sorry.”

 

“Non non, it’s alright, of course it’s okay. You can tell me anything you want to, I’m right here for you. It’s not something you have to ‘just deal with’, especially not alone.” Shuu hesitantly reached out and lightly took Kaneki’s hand. “I’m not sure what Touka meant by what she did. I don’t think she meant harm, but... it’s clearly affected you in a bad way. And that isn’t something you have to ignore or push aside.”   _ I’m sorry Kaneki, I’m so so sorry… _

 

Kaneki still wasn’t making eye contact, but he squeezed Shuu’s hand tightly and sighed. “I didn’t even remember it all until I woke up from being Haise Sasaki. I guess I just… suppressed the memories. Apparently that’s my go-to coping method.” Kaneki chuckled darkly. 

 

Shuu’s mind flashed through what he knew of Kaneki’s more recent history. He felt tears threaten as a horrifying realization dawned on him.  _ It didn’t start with him becoming a half-ghoul. People have been hurting Kaneki his entire life. And I’m one of those people. _

 

Hesitantly, he put his other hand on Kaneki’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry Kaneki… I just don’t know what to say… But, I want you to know that while I’m around, I’ll do everything in my power to keep anyone from ever hurting you again. I know that probably sounds pathetic, coming from me. But it’s the truth.” 

 

Kaneki looked up, meeting his eyes for the first time since the beginning of the conversation. “It doesn’t sound pathetic,” he said softly. “I really appreciate it.”

 

“But Kaneki, I-” 

 

“No, Tsukiyama.” Kaneki shook his head. “I know what you’re going to say. You tried to eat me, twice. I helped destroy your family and I threw you off a roof. Water under the bridge, right?”

 

Kaneki was staring into his eyes, searching for an answer. Unable to find words, Shuu simply nodded, noting the relief that reflected in Kaneki’s eyes as he did.  _ Did Kaneki wish for my forgiveness as much as I’ve longed for his? _

 

“We’ve both hurt each other,” Kaneki continued. “But here we are now. I know you don’t want to eat me anymore. I knew it on the rooftop all those years ago, even if you didn’t. And I know it now.”

 

“Kaneki…” Shuu felt tears begin to stream down his face.

 

“Oh, don’t cry Tsukiyama, your eyeliner will run...” Kaneki muttered, making a noise that sounded suspiciously like a sob. Shuu suddenly found himself drawn into Kaneki’s hesitant embrace. Shuu returned the hug tightly and pressed his face into Kaneki’s shoulder. Kaneki tightened his hold as well, and Shuu felt the shorter man’s body shuddering with sobs. 

 

_ Oh, my sweet and beautiful Kaneki. I wish I could stay in your arms forever. I wish I could make things better. I wish I could be someone who deserved you... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That ended on a sad note, so please imagine them watching Ghibli movies together for the rest of the day...
> 
> I've got one more chapter planned before the lab raid stuff, then after I cover that I'll just see how the see how the canon story is going I guess. Please feel free to drop in and let me know things you'd like to see!


	6. Deeper Deeper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well,” Kaneki said, “You make it difficult to look away.”

Shuu was busy. So, so very busy.

 

The final preparations for the suits had been coming together in the last few days, and he’d been constantly running around to personally ensure that everything had gone smoothly. On top of that, he’d had to track down a new place for a several orphan ghouls that had popped up from somewhere and joined the ranks of the children from Aogiri that they were already taking care of. Kaneki, of course, hadn’t even hesitated to accept them. _He is such a mom,_ Shuu thought fondly.

 

Shuu missed Kaneki. He still saw him every day, of course, Kaneki hadn’t gone anywhere. But the business with the suits and the children on top dealing with all the usual squabbles and complications that naturally occurred when a large group of ghouls lived together had kept him way too busy lately. Shuu was exhausted, and he wasn’t getting nearly enough Kaneki exposure for his liking. Enough being 6 hours in Kaneki’s present, minimum.

 

He wasn’t clingy. Definitely not.

   

 _Rather than 6 hours, maybe at least 7 hours would be ideal…_ Ever since Kaneki had opened up a bit about his past, Shuu had been more worried about him than ever. Slowly but surely, he was beginning to understand how truly sad Kaneki was. He had known before that Kaneki wasn’t the happiest. It had been obvious, years ago after Kaneki had returned from Aogiri, white-haired and brooding.

 

But now, it was clearer than ever to Shuu that Kaneki’s unhappiness went deep. It was something that had been hanging over him his entire life, and the events of recent years had only served to add to his troubles.    

 

Shuu sighed and flopped onto the couch. He had a few hours free of responsibilities, but relaxing was never easy when Kaneki was off god knows where. Gritting his teeth, he picked up a book and forced himself to focus on the words, an effort that proved to be in vain as exhaustion quickly overtook him.

 

   

 

Eventually, the sound of floor floor creaking woke him. Shuu sat up groggily, greeted by the very welcome sight of Kaneki walking toward him.

 

“Kaneki!” he said happily, shifting a little to make room as Kaneki sat down next to him.

 

For a few moments, Kaneki just stared at him, eyes filled with some unreadable emotion. Then he blinked, and it was gone.

 

“I somehow feel like I haven’t seen you for a while,” Kaneki said softly

 

Shuu pouted. “I’ve been busily working away for you, my king.”

 

Kaneki smiled, and ever so slightly leaned into Shuu’s shoulder. “I appreciate your hard work.”

 

Shuu felt his face heat up as he tried to think of a response. Before he could come up with a response, he felt Kaneki reach over and gently take the book from his hands.

 

“Eh?”

 

“Exciting book?” Kaneki asked. “It must be, if you’re reading when you’re this tired.”

 

Shuu chuckled. “It’s just a series of episodes, so I wouldn’t exactly call it exciting. But it is very good.”

 

Kaneki nodded and settled himself in a more comfortable position, curling his legs underneath him and opening the book to where Shuu had left off. “Alright then. Look, you’ve been doing a lot for me and it’s clear you’re exhausted. Take a break. I’ll read the book to you if it’s that important. You just rest.”

 

“B-but Kaneki,” Shuu sputtered, “In half an hour I have to go do-”

 

Shuu was cut off abruptly as Kaneki grabbed him by the shoulder and awkwardly pulled him into his lap. “Whatever it is, someone else will deal with it. You’re resting now. No arguing.”  

 

Shuu couldn’t see Kaneki’s face from his new position, but he didn’t have any complaints.

 

“Uhhh,” Kaneki muttered awkwardly. “I’m just going to read now.”

 

“Oui, my King,” Shuu breathed, relaxing into the warmth of Kaneki’s lap. He knew that Kaneki’s voice filled with a beautiful sort of passion that when he read aloud, and there was no way that Shuu would ever pass up an opportunity to hear it.  

 

   

 

 

_“I understood that the cubes weren’t perfect. I understood that this is how we become perfect. I understood that what I was seeing was the way to perfection. I don’t know how I understood this. Thinking about it now, nothing about it even seems good, let alone perfect. But inside the cube, within its chambers, it all made sense and I understood._

_And there was a moment, there was a moment, dear listeners, where I considered it. I considered joining Carlos, and becoming perfect._

_But I’ve come to know something in these months together with dear Carlos. Perfection isn’t real. Perfection isn’t human. Carlos is not perfect, no, even better, he is imperfect. Everything about him and us and all of this is imperfect. Those imperfections in our reality are the seams and cracks into which our outsized love can seep and pool. And sometimes we are annoyed, and disappointed, and that too is part of how love works. It’s not a perfect system, but… ah well._

_And so I resisted. I fought off the vision of the shrouded figures, and the dark planet, and all that was perfect and I held close to imperfection, to my imperfection, to my imperfect Carlos. I took him and I carried him out of that cube. And we came up heaving into this world that will disappoint us, finally free.”_

 

 

 

 

Some time later, Shuu slowly woke to the feeling of fingers stroking his hair. “Hnnng?” he muttered in confusion. The fingers were abruptly removed.

 

“Ah, Tsukiyama. You’re awake.”

 

At the sound of Kaneki’s voice, Shuu remembered exactly where he was. _Holy mon fucking dieu._

 

With a huge grin spreading over his face, Shuu rolled over in Kaneki’s lap so that he could see the other man’s face. “Kaneki!” he exclaimed. “Were you petting my hair?”

 

“N-no…,” Kaneki flushed and looked away. “I just. Noticed it was getting a little longer.”

 

“Do you think I should grow it out? Would it look good?” Shuu inquired, watching Kaneki’s face closely. _Oooh, maybe he has a thing for long hair._

 

Kaneki's flush darkened. “What… why ask me?”

 

“Your opinion is veeerrry important to me, my King,” Shuu said in a sultry voice, fluttering his eyelashes for good measure.

 

Kaneki opened his mouth, then shut it again. “I'm sure that it would fine either way,” he finally forced out.

 

“Just ‘fine’? You wound me,” Shuu said, faking a pout.

 

Kaneki looked mildly panicked. “No, no, more than fine, I just. Um. Well.” He cleared his throat. “Now that you're awake, I need you to get off me so that I can go to the bathroom, okay?”

 

_Shit._

 

Wordlessly, Shuu sat up to allow Kaneki to stand up. He immediately flopped face first back onto the couch, his heart filled with despair.

 

 _Stupid! What the hell was that? You came on way too strong!_ He berated himself.

 

 _He was the one who pulled me into his lap! And read to me until I fell asleep! And stroked my hair! How am I supposed to interpret that?_ He argued to himself.

 

_He was just being nice. He probably feels guilty that you're doing things for him. That's all it was. And you had to go and scare him off with your half-assed flirting! This is why we can't have nice things!_

 

Shuu groaned. As much as he hated it, his voice of reason was probably right. Kaneki was simply being kind. Kind, and very, very confusing.

 

“Why Kaneki, whyyyyyy,” Shuu whined into the couch cushions.

 

“Why what?”

 

Shuu turned his head to find Kaneki crouching down to stare at him. “Kaneki! You came back!”

   

“Well it's not as though I have anywhere else to be…” Kaneki muttered, sitting on the floor with a huff.

 

“Actually, you told Naki you needed to talk to him about something with this afternoon…”

 

“Well if you don't want me here, I’ll leave,” Kaneki snapped.

 

Shuu flinched. “Of course not, I didn't mean it like that. I want you to do whatever makes you happiest.” _What did I say?? He looks so upset all of the sudden..._

 

Kaneki shut his eyes and leaned sideways into the side of the couch. “Whatever makes me happiest…”

 

Shuu didn't know what to say. Harmless domestic squabbles aside, it had been a long time since Kaneki had lashed out at him.

“I'm sorry if I said something to upset you. It was never my intention,” Shuu finally said after a few moments of silence.

 

Kaneki opened his eyes, looking startled. “No, don't apologize, it's my fault. I just thought…” He shook his head. “No, it doesn't matter what I thought.”

 

Shuu furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “Of course it matters. Why wouldn’t it?”

 

“It just doesn't.”

 

Shuu shifted slightly so that he could look directly into Kaneki's eyes. “Kaneki…”

 

Kaneki tried to avoid his eyes for a moment, then sighed. “Hori told me that you spent several years in such a deep depression that you couldn't leave your bed. And that's why you looked so thin and sick before.”

 

Shuu's stomach dropped. He didn't want to talk about this.

 

“Why?”

 

Shuu turned away and pressed his face into the couch cushion. “It's in the past, Kaneki…”

 

“Hori said it was because of me. Because you thought I died. Why, Tsukiyama?”

 

_Because I loved you, Kaneki. I love you. I love you and I didn't understand that until it was too late and it was too much to bear._

 

Shuu didn't answer. Couldn't bring himself to say the words that would likely make Kaneki send him away for good.

 

“Tsukiyama, please say something,” Kaneki murmured. “Please just tell me why. 3 years of your life? I'm not worth that.”

 

Shuu stiffened. “You don't get to decide that, Kaneki.”

 

“Huh?”

 

Shuu slid off the couch and joined Kaneki on the floor. Noticing Kaneki’s fists clenched by his side, he reached out and took them in his own hands, gently coaxing them open.

 

“Kaneki. After you left me on that rooftop, I thought about a lot of things. As as the days passed, it seemed more and more certain you were dead. I found myself facing a future without you. And that was a future I couldn't bear to imagine. But as it turns out, that future didn't come to pass. So there's really no use worrying about it.”

 

Kaneki looked stricken. “But, Tsukiyama, what if I die? You can't just give up on your own life because of someone like me!”

 

“You're not going to die.”

 

“But I might,” Kaneki argued. Suddenly he gripped Shuu’s hands tightly. “Tsukiyama, listen to me. If I die, you have to move on, okay? You have a family. You have responsibilities. You can get married, have kids, have a good life.”

 

Shuu felt sick. “Get married to who, exactly? Kaneki, you don't get to tell me how to live my life. That's my decision to make. And stop talking about dying. I'm not letting you go a second time.”

 

Kaneki shook his head. “But, Tsukiyama, it isn't that simple…”

 

“No, Kaneki, it is. Look, whatever you want to do, whatever you need to do, I support it. But I won't let you go to your death.”

 

Kaneki stared at their joined hands for a long moment. “I shouldn't have brought this up,” he whispered.

 

“Don't worry about it, my dear,” Shuu said softly. “Look, why don't we get off the floor?” At Kaneki's nod, he rose and pulled Kaneki up with him.

 

For a moment, they stood facing each other, hands still joined. _I wonder what Kaneki would do if I kissed him now,_ whispered Shuu’s treacherous mind.

 

“Tsukiyama, can I-” Kaneki began, before cutting himself short at the sound of loud thuds outside.

 

“Kaneki! Kanekiiiiii!” Naki shouted as he burst through the door.

 

“There you are,” Fuka said as he followed Naki in with a smirk. “I see now why the two of you weren't answering your phones.”

 

Shuu glowered at the man as Kaneki dropped his hands and stepped away. “What do you want? I didn’t invite you to come bursting into my apartment.”

 

“The suit guy said to come and get you right away!” Naki shouted in agitation. “it's time to excavate the plan!”

 

Fuka rolled his eyes. “Execute the plan, you dolt. Not that we’re executing anything, we’re just doing suit fittings.”

 

Shuu sighed. _I suppose that means I won't be able to nap in Kaneki’s lap again anytime soon, huh…_

 

 

 

 

 

The fittings went without a hitch, much to Shuu’s relief. He didn’t know what he’d do if he and Tycho had ended up having to redo everything. Even the mere thought was exhausting.

 

“Tsuchimura! The design of these suits is all wrong!” Naki hollered from across the room, flapping one of the suits up and down as he came forward. “What the hell is this hole here for?”

 

“Flower holes allow you to accessorize the suit to your liking!” Shuu explained happily, pulling out a rose to demonstrate. “See, you can put a flower in!”

 

“Stick a fuckin’ flower in your skull for all I care!” Naki yelled, doing just that to Shuu’s head.

 

Shuu sighed, a bit put out. “To be honest, I’d wanted to confirm the design with you before moving to manufacturing, but… By the way, I wonder how long it’s going to take you to remember my name…”

 

“Easy, Yamamura, right?” Naki asked. Shuu merely rolled his eyes in response, before turning his attention to Kaneki, who was picking out fighting teams.

 

 

“Tsukiyama will take over leadership of the suits group,” Kaneki said after he’d picked out his lab team.

 

Shuu grinned proudly. “Oui, my King.” _As your second in command, I won’t let you down, amour._

 

In the end, Takizawa stepped forward from where he’d been lurking in the corner and asked to be part of the lab team, but beyond that everyone seemed satisfied with their assigned positions. That is, everyone except Touka, who glowered upon being put in charge of communications.

 

“Can we talk after you get back?” he heard Touka ask Kaneki quietly.

 

“...Sure,” Kaneki answered. Shuu narrowed his eyes, not missing for an instant the alarmed look on Kaneki’s face.

 

“Are you alright?” Shuu whispered to Kaneki a few moments later, after Touka had walked off with Nishiki.

 

“I’m fine. Just wondering how much talking she’s actually planning on doing, considering her… past behavior.” Kaneki grinned, clearly trying to make light of the situation, but there was a painful edge to his smile that caused rage to burn in Shuu’s heart. It was unforgivable, that Kaneki had to force a smile like that.

 

“That doesn’t sound fine to me,” Shuu growled, glaring at Touka’s back. “Kaneki, if she makes you feel unsafe you don’t have to be around her. At all. I can’t let this stand, I can say something to her…”

 

Kaneki tugged at Shuu’s arm, pulling his gaze away from Touka. “That’s not necessary. But.. thank you for the sentiment. You’re right, it’s…” Kaneki sighed deeply, before continuing in a firmer voice. “I really don’t feel safe around her. And it’s not fine. Even if she’s my friend. You’re right. And if it comes up again, I’m not going to put up with it.” Kaneki blinked, looking slightly surprised at the words coming from his own mouth.

   

Shuu smiled, feeling slightly tearful. “I’m so glad to hear that, really my dear,” he murmured, pulling Kaneki into a loose embrace before he could stop himself. “And I know that you have the strength to protect yourself. But just remember you’re not alone, okay? If you ever need to, call on me. You don’t put up with it, and I won’t put up with it, and between the two of us no one will ever hurt you again.”

 

Kaneki laughed into his chest, and Shuu’s heart soared because it was a genuine laugh, not laced with pain his smile before had been. “Oh come on Tsukiyama, look at my history. Don’t you think you’re being a little too optimistic?”

 

“Non,” Shuu answered with a wide grin. “If it’s us, we can do anything. Nothing is too optimistic.”

 

Kaneki pulled away a bit and shook his head, but he was smiling. “You’re too much,” he murmured fondly. “Here, scoot,” he demanded, pushing Shuu backwards a few steps until his butt hit the table full of flowers that he’d set out for the flower holes.

 

“Kaneki, what-” Shuu started to ask, but then Kaneki was pressing into him and he lost all coherence.

 

“There you go, flower man,” Kaneki said, reaching around behind him to find a flower and placing it behind Shuu’s ear. “It looks better this way, rather than stuck into your forehead.”

 

“You… You were watching that?” was all that Shuu could think to say, blushing furiously. _Calmato your shit, Shuu, calmato..._

 

“Well,” Kaneki said, “You make it difficult to look away.”

 

“Good lord, I thought Chie said you two weren’t together yet,” an unfamiliar voice interrupted from off to the side. “Get a fucking room.”

 

Kaneki’s eyes widened and he pulled away, turning to face the speaker. “Err… Sorry, who are you?”

 

“That’s my new girlfriend! Or ghoulfriend, hurr hurr. Be nice to her, even though she’s a ghoul she’s very small and defenseless!” Hori called, making her way over.

 

“Yes, I am tiny and fragile and not at all threatening in any way,” the woman deadpanned in agreement.

 

Shuu frowned. “Hori, when did you get here? Since when did you have a girlfriend? You never tell me anything…” He pouted, looking the newcomer up and down. She was indeed a tiny woman, but he could barely make out her features underneath the the masses of accessories and decorated face mask she was wearing. _She looks like she came straight from Harajuku…_

 

“It’s a recent thing,” Hori told him, rolling her eyes. “I was going to tell you eventually. But unlike you, I don’t feel the need to broadcast the details of my love life as soon as they happen.”

 

“Wait, what sort of love life details do you have to broadcast?” Kaneki asked, looking concerned.

 

“None, my King, absolutely none. Hori’s just being silly as usual.” Shuu said quickly.

 

“Right...” Kaneki said, then turned to the newcomer. “It’s nice to meet you. I apologize, but I don’t think I caught your name…?”

 

“Chie, introduce me to your friends properly,” the woman said, sounding oddly gleeful.

 

“Right. Kaneki, Shuu, this is my new girlfriend, Uhm.” Hori waved her arms with a flourish, grinning ear to ear.

 

“Your name is… Uhm?” Kaneki asked, looking confused.

 

Uhm snorted. “Yes, Uhm. Can’t you hear properly?”

 

Kaneki looked like he was about to respond, but Shuu elbowed him and he remained quiet.   

 

“Anyway, I need you guys to call a meeting in that smaller conference room in 15 minutes. Gather up everyone on this list and no-one else. They should all be here anyway, so get to it.” Hori handed Shuu a piece of paper before grabbing Uhm’s hand and leading her in the direction of said conference room.

 

“Do you know what’s going on?” Kaneki asked, looking with a rather bewildered expression at the retreating forms.  

 

“No idea. But Hori wouldn’t randomly call a meeting for no good reason.”

 

“Yeah, I guess.” Kaneki nodded. “What about that Uhm girl though? Can we trust her? She seems… really weird...”

 

Shuu shrugged. “I don’t know, but I trust Hori’s judgement. The ‘Uhm’ thing is probably some sort of stage name… Hori has a bit of a thing for odd artsy types.”

 

“Hmm. I suppose that makes sense, since she is one,” Kaneki mused. “I guess we better gather up that list of people…”

 

Shuu nodded in assent, turning to scan the room in search of the people Hori wished to summon. As he turned he suddenly made eye contact with Touka, who was glaring furiously in their direction. _What the heck is her deal now…_ Shuu wondered, raising his eyebrows in her direction. Touka’s scowl deepened and she looked away, while beside her Nishiki burst into laughter and gave him a thumbs up.

 

 _...I have a feeling I’m missing something,_ Shuu thought, shaking his head in confusion.

 

 

 

 

“Alright folks, listen up,” Hori said about twenty minutes later, addressing the gathering of confused ghouls before her. “Looks like your organization is on it’s way to getting its shit together, so congrats on that. But regardless of how much you have your shit together, there’s always the risk of things going belly up at any time.”

 

Shuu frowned in confusion. _Is she trying to demoralize the group?_ “Err, Hori, what are you-”

 

Hori glared at him. “That pause I tried to do just then, that was a pause for dramatic emphasis. It was not a ‘It’s time for Shuu to interrupt me’ pause. Hush.” She turned her attention back to the rest of the group. “As some of you probably already know, I have not been one of the CCG’s favorite people for a few years now. And for that reason, I’ve built up a series of safe houses using money that I stole from them. As you can imagine, it’s quite useful to have a variety of places to hide when things get a little rough. And out of the kindness of my heart, I’ve decided to give those of you in this room access to these safe houses if the occasion comes up that you need them.”

 

Kaneki leaned over, placing his mouth near Shuu’s ear. “Did you know about this?” he whispered.

 

Shuu shook his head, a bit dumbfounded. “I knew she had an extra house or two, but I never expected something like this,” he whispered. “As usual, Hori is full of surprises,” he said with a fond smile.

 

“Each house is staffed by a person or people that I can absolutely trust, because I have major dirt on all of them and they wouldn’t dare betray me,” Hori continued. “My small and nonthreatening girlfriend here will pass out papers to each of you. These papers contain the addresses of the safe houses and the personalized code that will allow you access to each. Don’t leave this room until you’ve memorized your codes and locations, and obviously don’t you dare share this information with anyone outside of this room. If you do, I’ll kill you. Also, if your name is Naki and you have memory issues, you may want to nicely ask Miza to memorize your code for you. Anyway way that’s all I got, you’re welcome. Uhm, do your thing.”

 

Uhm nodded and began passing out papers, whispering “I am small and weak” to everyone she handed a paper to.

 

“Nice flower you’ve got there Shuu,” Hori said, sauntering over to where he and Kaneki were sitting.

 

“I-it is very nice,” Shuu stuttered, flushing darkly as he pictured Kaneki’s smile as he’d placed the flower in Shuu’s hair.

 

“Hori, thank you so much for this,” Kaneki told her. “I’m so surprised, I don’t know what to say. But I really appreciate your generosity.”

 

“Buy me cake then,” Hori teased, before turning serious. “But yeah, to be honest I’m still not sure if it’s a good idea to let so many people know about my houses… but better safe than sorry I suppose. Plus I really want to see the CCG go down. Did you know those bastards once broke my favorite camera while chasing me?”

 

“Yeah, you’ve mentioned it about a few dozen times,” Kaneki grinned. “But really, Hori, thank you. I understand that you’re risking a lot by doing this.”

 

“Yeah, well…” Hori murmured, gazing worriedly at the ghouls gathered in the room. “You guys are my friends, after all.”

 

“Let’s just hope we never need to use these...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And my favorite wlw couple makes their first appearance! It's a bit of a crackship, but I love them with all my heart and we'll be seeing more of them here for sure. I'm hoping it's not too hard to guess who "Uhm" really is lolol.
> 
> Anyway, I offer my sincerest apologies for taking a longer time than ever to update;;; But here's another double update to make up for it. Next chapter is a little different, but hopefully it's still enjoyable!
> 
> The scene where Kaneki puts a flower in Shuu's hair was inspired by this incredibly beautiful [Shuuneki commision](http://space-nagisa.tumblr.com/post/160420582747/commission-for-deathtopi4-thank-you-again) done for me by space-nagisa! Be sure to check it out, and also consider taking a look at space-nagisa's [commisions page](http://space-nagisa.tumblr.com/post/156549111092/im-finally-opening-up-commissions-wow-i-will) ;) 
> 
> Also, the book that Shuu was reading is 'Mostly Void, Partially Stars: Welcome to Night Vale Episodes vol.1'. The quote is specifically from the live show 'Condos'. I have no idea how well known wtnv is in Japan, but oh well lol. The first time I listed to Condos and heard that quote, I legit cried. So I knew I had to use it for these two nerds...


	7. Interlude: A Tragic Instinct

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was everything Ken could have wanted. 
> 
> It was more than he deserved.
> 
> It was nothing he could keep.

Even after so many years, the memory of their first meeting was still vivid in Ken’s mind. The day that Tsukiyama Shuu had made his dramatic entrance into Ken’s life was one he didn't think he'd ever forget. Not that he wanted to. Not anymore, at least. 

 

Tsukiyama had been beautiful that day, of course. He'd been wearing some hideous suit, but somehow he made it work. He had a slightly infuriating ability to make  _ every  _ outfit work. 

 

_ He looks like a model,  _ Ken had thought. And to this day Ken was certain he was a model, in some alternate universe. A happier universe, hopefully. 

 

Ken had been warned to stay away from Tsukiyama, and he'd had the best intentions to follow that advice, really. But it was a hopeless endeavor, in the end. At the time his crush on Rize still had yet to completely fade, despite everything that had happened. And now here in front of him was a man who'd been her friend. A man who wanted to talk about books with him. He even had purple hair like she did. 

 

Tsukiyama was beautiful, sexy, and he loved reading with a passion similar to Ken's own. Honestly, how was Ken supposed to resist? He was but a simple bisexual, after all. 

 

He’d had his misgivings, of course he did. It wasn’t like the warnings were falling on deaf ears. But the time, Ken had thought that maybe, just maybe, fate had sent Tsukiyama to him as an apology for what happened with Rize. 

 

Even if it didn't turn into something romantic, it could never hurt to have a (highly attractive) friend to talk about books with, right? 

 

It seemed that history was doomed to repeat itself, however. And for the second time, Ken found himself narrowly avoiding being eaten by his date. 

 

_ This guy really needs to find a better way to channel his kinks, _ Ken had thought (with slight regret) after Tsukiyama had yet again attempted to eat him.

 

_ You know, I really think I'm just not cut out for dating… _

 

The incident with Yamori had happened not too long after, and all thoughts of the beautiful purple haired beauty had fled from his mind. 

 

That was, until Tsukiyama appeared before him again, this time offering to be his “sword,” and his “knight.”

 

_ “Sword,” indeed.  _ Ken may have presented outwardly as an innocent bookworm, but the phallic symbolism definitely did not escape him. 

 

The arrangement had been a bit awkward, but Tsukiyama never once let him down. Ken hadn’t reached a point where he felt he was able to trust Tsukiyama, but he hadn’t missed the kicked-puppy expression on Tsukiyama’s stupid, beautiful face whenever he reminded him of that fact. 

 

_ That’s not the only expression I haven’t missed,  _ Ken thought wryly as he remembered how Tsukiyama had reacted every time he had wandered (maybe on purpose) out of the shower without a shirt on. 

 

Needless to say, Ken had known that Tsukiyama no longer wanted to eat him when he’d come to the rooftop to stop him from going to his death.

 

Ken went anyway.

 

He didn’t think about what it meant, that Tsukiyama didn’t want to eat him anymore. 

 

He didn’t think about what might have happened, if he had stayed. 

 

 

 

 

 

And now here they were, years later. On the surface, Ken was the One-Eyed King and Tsukiyama was his second in command. 

 

Beneath the surface, it was much more complicated. 

 

_ Or maybe it’s closer to the surface than I think,  _ Ken thought as he remembered the increasingly frequent and explicit comments that those around them were making about the nature of his and Tsukiyama’s relationship. Comments that he was trying and failing to ignore. 

 

The CCG raid on the Tsukiyama family had been bad. Ken’s involvement as “Sasaki Haise” had been  _ very _ bad. Ken had narrowly avoided killing the other man. 

 

It was the second time that Ken had seen Tsukiyama looking brokenhearted on a rooftop. His hair had faded from its former bright purple to light blue and his body was frail. But somehow, he was even more beautiful than ever. Beautiful and full of hurt that was entirely Ken’s fault. 

 

And yet here he was, speaking words of forgiveness and happily helping Ken in any way he could. Reading books with him. Supporting him in everything. Holding him when he needed comfort. Being really, really pretty. 

 

It was everything Ken could have wanted. 

 

It was more than he deserved.

 

It was nothing he could keep. 

 

 

 

 

 

Ken shook his head to clear his mind as he reached the door of Tsukiyama’s apartment. Tsukiyama was always insisting that it was  _ their  _ apartment, but well. Ken knew that thinking of the apartment as  _ theirs  _ could lead to other dangerous avenues of thinking. 

 

Ken opened the door and stepped into the living room to find Tsukiyama sprawled on the couch and snoring softly, a book lying open on his face. 

 

Ken smiled softly and tried to tiptoe past, but the floor was creaky and Tsukiyama began to stir right away. He sighed and changed direction as Tsukiyama sat up. 

 

“Kaneki!” Tsukiyama exclaimed as Ken sat down next to him. 

 

_ Stop looking at me like that. Your face always lights up when you see me, as if I’m the one who hung the stars in your sky.  _

 

_ I’m not the one who hung your stars. I’m the one who tore them down. _

 

“I somehow feel like I haven’t seen you for a while,” Ken said. 

 

“I’ve been busily working away for you, my king.” Tsukiyama formed his lips into an attractive pout. 

 

Ken really, really wanted to kiss that pout off those lips. 

 

Ignoring the impulse, (as he often did), he instead politely thanked Tsukiyama for his hard work. And then he leaned in closer to take his book out of his hands. 

 

It wasn’t really fair that Tsukiyama was working so hard for him. After all, he was a terrible leader. 

 

He was, however, good at reading books. And if Tsukiyama wanted to read this book so badly, it was the least he could do to read it for him. 

Tsukiyama protested, of course, starting to list off all the things he probably didn’t need to do, but felt compelled to anyway. He was practically the mother hen of the Goats, at this point. 

 

“You’re resting now. No arguments.” Ken said as he pulled Shuu’s head onto his lap.

 

_ I want to keep you for myself, just for a little bit.  _

 

Ken began reading, and  _ of course  _ Tsukiyama was reading something touching and romantic. Of course he was.

 

 

It didn’t take long for Tsukiyama to fall asleep again. Quietly, Ken sat the book aside and gazed down at the man below him. Unable to resist, he softly brushed his fingers through Tsukiyama’s soft blue hair.

 

_ He's in love with me. _

 

Ken’s mind drifted back to the conversation from that morning that had brought about this revelation. 

 

Hori had been talking to him about some information she'd pulled from the CCG databases, and somehow the conversation had turned to Tsukiyama and the years he'd spent depressed and unwilling to leave his room.

 

“You're a lucky guy, you know,” Hori had said.

 

“I am?” Ken had asked in confusion. “Lucky” was the last word he would use to describe himself. 

 

“Sure you are. Intentionally and unintentionally, you've caused Shuu a heck of a lot of grief. And sometimes he deserved it, sure, especially in the early days. But regardless, any normal person would give up and move on, after all that. But not Shuu!” Hori chuckled. “He's changed a lot since I first met him. Grown a lot. And a lot of that's because of you.”

 

Ken flushed and looked away. “I don't know about that…”

 

Hori fixed him with a stern look. “I think you do know.”

 

Ken frowned. “But what does any of this have to do with me being lucky?”

 

“Ah, right.” Hori tapped her chin. “Any sane person in Shuu's position would steer clear of you, after all that angst. But not him. That dolt’s just happy to simply be near you! He's completely hopeless.”

 

Ken shook his head. “I don't know, Hori. You talk like Shuu- I mean, like Tsukiyama… like he's in love with with me…”

 

Hori stared at him in silence, eyebrows raised. 

 

Ken's eyes widened. “Is he?”

 

Hori rolled her eyes. “Is the sky blue? Are aliens green? Are donuts delicious?”

 

Ken frowned. “Well, technically-”

 

“Oh, shut it. Ask him yourself if you're that stupid,” Hori interrupted. “Look, let me give you some advice, okay? You've helped Shuu changed for the better. Now it's your turn to let him do the same for you.”

 

 

 

_ Does Tsukiyama really have feelings for me? Actual feelings, and not just simple lust? _

 

It was something Ken had been avoiding thinking about since that time on the rooftop. No, since before then even. Every time Tsukiyama brought him flowers and books, bought him something unnecessarily expensive, fought by his side, smiled at him, blushed at his words, the question lurked. 

 

Looking down at Tsukiyama sleeping in his lap, Ken answered the question he'd been avoiding all these years. 

 

_ Tsukiyama is in love with me. Probably. _

 

And now for another question that Ken had been avoiding for years.

 

_ Am I in love with Tsukiyama? _

 

Tsukiyama groaned and shifted slightly. Ken quickly yanked his hand back from his hair, praying that he’d be too disoriented from sleep to notice. 

 

“Ah, Tsukiyama. You’re awake,” Ken said, desperately trying to sound casual. 

 

Tsukiyama rolled over and Ken found his heart skipping a beat as the other man positively beamed at him. “Kaneki! Were you petting my hair?” 

 

_ Shit. He definitely noticed. _

 

“N-no…” Ken stuttered.  _ Shit. Shit. If you deny it you’ll just sound more guilty, dumbass!  _ “I just. Noticed it was getting a little longer.”

 

It was a weak excuse, but Tsukiyama seemed thrilled to hear it. “Do you think I should grow it out? Would it look good?” He asked enthusiastically.

 

Ken felt his face heating up. “What… why ask me?” he muttered, avoiding the question. 

 

“Your opinion is veeerrry important to me, my King,” Tsukiyama said in a… a  _ voice.  _

 

Ken gulped.  _ In hindsight, this was a terrible idea,  _ Ken thought as he belatedly realized that Tsukiyama’s head was in a position that it  _ really shouldn’t be.  _ And with the way that Tsukiyama was talking to him, the way that Tsukiyama was  _ looking _ at him… 

 

_ Gods above and below, I know you all probably hate me if you exist, but if you have even the slightest shred of empathy for me, please, PLEASE, I am BEGGING you, let me NOT get a boner right now… _

 

“I'm sure that it would fine either way,” Ken forced out after he finished gaping awkwardly at the mental image of an incredibly hot long-haired Tsukiyama Shuu that his mind conjured up. 

 

Tsukiyama looked saddened at the lukewarm reaction. “Just ‘fine’? You wound me.”

 

_ Shitshitshit. I made him sad. Good fucking going.   _

 

Ken panicked as he tried to think of something to say that would be subtle, yet reassuring. “No, no, more than fine, I just. Um. Well. Ahem. Now that you're awake, I need you to get off me so that I can go to the bathroom, okay?”

 

Tsukiyama’s face visibly fell as he sat up without a word to allow Ken to stand.  _ Nice job, asshole. Totally nailed it,  _ Ken berated himself as he fled to the bathroom. 

 

Once safely locked in the small bathroom, Ken heaved a huge sigh and splashed his face with cold water before sliding down to sit on the floor. 

 

_ He loves you. And you’ve been slowly falling for him since the first time you met him, even if you don’t like to admit it to yourself. It should be simple. Shouldn’t it? _

 

But it wasn’t simple at all.

 

Ken sighed again and stood up. Being angsty and miserable in the bathroom wasn’t going to help anything. If he was going to be angsty and miserable, he may as well do it in Tsukiyama’s company. 

 

He reentered the living room to find Tsukiyama lying face down on the couch and moaning something that sounded like “whyyyyyyyy” into a pillow.

 

Ken leaned down to peer at him. “Why what?”

 

Tsukiyama’s face lit up as he sat up slightly. “Kaneki! You came back!”

 

_ He’s so happy…  _

 

“Well it's not as though I have anywhere else to be…” Ken huffed as he sat down on the floor and tried (and failed) to not to be flustered. 

 

“Actually, you told Naki you talk to him about something with this afternoon…”

 

Ken’s heart plunged.  _ Maybe it was just my wishful thinking. Maybe he’s not happy to have me here. I should just leave. I should just-  _

 

“Well if you don't want me here, I’ll leave,” he snapped. 

 

Shuu looked like Ken had just slapped him in the face, and Ken instantly regretted his words.  _ Stupid, stupid, stupid, you’re just like mom- _

 

“Of course not, I didn’t mean it like that. I want you to do whatever makes you happiest,” Tsukiyama was saying. Tsukiyama, with that stricken face and that hurt look in his eyes, was telling him to be happy. 

 

Ken closed his eyes. “Whatever makes me happiest…” he echoed.  _ I don’t even know what that is… _

 

“I’m sorry if I said something to upset you. It was never my intention,” Tsukiyama said quietly. 

 

Ken snapped his eyes open. “No, don’t apologize,” he said quickly. “It’s my fault. I just thought...”  _ I thought you wanted to be with me, and then I thought you stopped wanting to be with me. I thought I wanted you to move on from me, and then I was afraid you really did move on. I thought-  _

 

Keni shook his head, banishing his jumbled thoughts. “No, it doesn’t matter what I thought.”

 

“Of course it matters,” Tsukiyama pressed. “Why wouldn’t it?”

 

“It just doesn't.”

 

“Kaneki…” Tsukiyama was suddenly a bit closer, leaning over and staring at him with a piercing gaze that seemed to perceive everything that Ken desperately wanted to hide. 

 

Ken panicked a bit. “Hori told me that you spent several years in such a deep depression that you couldn't leave your bed. And that's why you looked so thin and sick before.” 

 

It was a low blow to bring that up, and the look on Tsukiyama’s face made his stomach churn. But suddenly he had to know. 

 

“Why?”  _ Why do have such strong feelings for me? Me, of all people?  _

 

“It's in the past, Kaneki…” Tsukiyama turned away. Moved away. Avoided the question. 

 

_ Do you actually love me at all? _

 

“Hori said it was because of me. Because you thought I died. Why, Tsukiyama?”

 

Silence. Tsukiyama just sat there, not looking at him, not saying a thing.

 

“Tsukiyama, please say something,” Keni murmured. “Please just tell me why. 3 years of your life? I'm not worth that.”

 

“You don't get to decide that, Kaneki.”

 

“Huh?” _ What do you mean I don’t get to decide, it’s just the truth... _

 

And then suddenly Tsukiyama was right beside him, touching him, _holding his hands,_ and-

 

“Kaneki. After you left me on that rooftop, I thought about a lot of things. As as the days passed, it seemed more and more certain you were dead. I found myself facing a future without you. And that was a future I couldn't bear to imagine. But as it turns out, that future didn't come to pass. So there's really no use worrying about it.”

 

_ A future… without me? But that’s the only kind of future that I can imagine… _

 

“But, Tsukiyama, what if I die? You can't just give up on your own life because of someone like me!” 

 

_ Because of someone who’s planning to die… _

 

“You're not going to die,” Tsukiyama said insistently.

 

“But I might,” Ken said. He gripped Tsukiyama’s hands, desperate to make him understand. “Tsukiyama, listen to me. If I die, you have to move on, okay? You have a family. You have responsibilities. You can get married, have kids, have a good life.”

 

Tsukiyama narrowed his eyes. “Get married to who, exactly? Kaneki, you don't get to tell me how to live my life. That's my decision to make. And stop talking about dying. I'm not letting you go a second time.” 

 

Ken shook his head. “But, Tsukiyama, it isn't that simple…” 

 

“No, Kaneki, it is. Look, whatever you want to do, whatever you need to do, I support it. But I won't let you go to your death. Not again.”

 

Ken gazed down at his hands, clutching so desperately at Tsukiyama’s even as Ken tried to push him away with his words. “I shouldn't have brought this up,” he whispered. 

 

“Don't worry about it, my dear,” Tsukiyama said, impossibly gentle. “Look, why don't we get off the floor?” Ken nodded numbly and allowed Tsukiyama to pull him upright.

 

For a moment, they stood facing each other, hands still joined. _He’s so good… So good and so, so pretty..._ _I could kiss him right now. I could do it. It would be a terrible mistake. But I could do it._

 

“Tsukiyama, can I-” 

 

“Kaneki! Kanekiiiiii!” Naki screeched, practically breaking the door down on his way in. 

 

Ken sighed. Interrupted. Of course.  _ I don’t know whether to feel disappointed or relieved… _

 

 

 

 

 

The next day, Ken was miserable. Well, more miserable than usual. 

 

The problem was this: Tsukiyama was a saint. He was caring and protective and wonderful and he did so much for Ken, without asking anything in return. And Ken knew that Tsukiyama wanted him, knew for sure ever since Hori told him exactly how devastating Ken’s absence had been. He knew, even though his treacherous heart tried to tell him hourly that Tsukiyama had grown tired of him, that Tsukiyama had realized that Ken was no good after all. That Ken was deluding himself, and Tsukiyama had never loved him to begin with. 

 

And Tsukiyama was hardly alone in his wanting. Tsukiyama had been out late that night, performing at a bar again. Mirumo was gone too, off on some sort of business trip apparently. Sitting in the dark apartment, Ken felt the jagged hole of loneliness in his chest gaping wider than ever. Against his better judgement he’d crept into Tsukiyama’s room and stolen a worn sweater, filled with Tsukiyama’s scent. Back in his room, he’s fallen asleep with the sweater pressed to his face. The next morning, Ken had woken up with an erection pressed against his underwear. 

 

It wasn’t the first time something like that had happened. 

 

It was kind of a problem.

 

Guiltily, Ken had slunk across the hall into the bathroom, thanking god that Tsukiyama was still asleep. He’d jerked off quickly, biting into his arm to keep himself from crying out the name of the man that filled his thoughts and dreams. Then he’d gotten dressed and left to wander the streets of Tokyo, feeling the need to collect his thoughts in a place that  _ wasn’t  _ filled with inescapable reminders of Tsukiyama, Tsukiyama everywhere. 

 

_ There are so many reasons why you can’t be with him,  _ he told himself sternly as he ambled into some sort of consignment shop, politely turning down the store attendant who asked him if he was looking for anything in particular. 

 

_ Name one,  _ said a defiant voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Haise. 

 

_ I’m afraid,  _ he told the voice.  _ I’m afraid of so many things.  _

 

_ Like what exactly? Your life could get worse probably, but let’s be honest here, it’s already pretty terrible. Why not just have something you want, for once? Why not be happy, for once? _

 

_ I don’t even know how to be happy, _ Ken thought, gazing blankly at the rows of cast off and unwanted items before him.  _ I don’t know if it’s possible for me.  _

 

_ Well it sure as hell won’t be possible if you don’t try.  _

 

_ It’s not just that. _

 

_ What is it, then? _

 

_ I don’t know if I can love him the way he deserves to be loved. I don’t know.  _

 

_ Why not? Don’t tell me that you don’t think you’re capable of love either, because that’s ridiculous too.  _

 

_ Well, maybe I’m not. Maybe there’s something wrong with me.  _

 

_ And what, exactly, makes you think that? _

 

_ Everyone that I’ve loved… everyone I’ve cared for… everyone that was supposed to care about me... they’ve all hurt me. Mom. My aunt. Rize. Touka. Hinami. Arima. Akira. Even Tsukiyama. Everyone hurts me I just take it and take it but it’s so hard and I’m scared, I’m scared of letting anyone in… _

 

_ It’s alright to be scared. But just because people have hurt you, doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. Their actions are on them, not you. If you let the things that have been done to you keep you from trying to find happiness, you let them win. _

 

_ But what if it doesn’t work out? What if he realizes what a broken mess I am, what if he stops loving me, what if he leaves?  _

 

_ You can never know whether or not things will work out,  _ the Haise-voice said serenely.  _ All you can do is take the plunge and trust yourself to be strong enough to handle what comes.  _

 

_ Trust myself to be strong enough. That’s laughable. _

 

_ No it isn’t. Because you are strong enough. Look Kaneki, it’s just like that book you were reading to him the other day. Perfection doesn’t exist. And if you keep waiting for the perfect scenario, you’ll be waiting forever.  _

 

Ken sighed, coming to a halt before an old piano near the back of the shop.  _ Dying seems so much easier than all this,  _ he thought.  _ Sorry Hide. I know you’re disappointed in me for thinking that.  _

 

_ Dying always seems easier. But think of all the possibilities before you. All the reasons you could find to live, if you tried. Do you really want to let all that go to waste? _

 

_ I don’t know. Living is easier said than done.  _

 

Ken ran his fingers over the dusty piano keys. Sound rang out - and it wasn’t perfect, even a non-musician like Ken could tell that it needed tuning. But all the same, it was beautiful.

 

_ It’s almost Valentine's day, you know. And Shuu has mentioned several times how much he misses having a piano at home to play. _

 

_ Shut up, Haise. It’s also almost his birthday. Not everything has to be a romantic gesture.  _

 

_ Tell yourself whatever you want, doesn’t change the fact that you’re smitten.  _

 

Ken groaned. This was hopeless.  _ He  _ was hopeless. He pulled out his phone and picked a number from his speed dial. 

 

“Hori? Hey, sorry to bother you so early. Do you think you could help me out with something?”

 

Once the conversation was finished, Ken sat down on the piano bench called up the words that Tsukiyama had said to him the day before. 

 

_ “Between the two of us, no one will ever hurt you again.” _

 

_ “If it’s us, we can do anything. Nothing is too optimistic.” _

 

Ken closed his eyes, and prayed that those words were true. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you so much for all the comments, kudos, and positive feedback! You guys are incredible!
> 
> Hopefully the switch to Kaneki's perspective this chapter was okay. But for anyone who didn't like it, it'll switch back to Shuu next chapter so no worries!
> 
> Some important stuff regarding this fic for those of you who haven't already seen my rants on tumblr:  
> I'm not very happy with tg these days to say the least. BUT, I will not be abandoning this fic by any means, so please don't worry! However, it definitely won't be canon compliant for much longer. I do have a lot of ideas for what I want to do once I depart from the official storyline, but not much is set in stone yet. So please please please feel free to drop in and tell me the kinds of things you guys would like to see. I know that there's a lot of people who share my disappointment, and I want this fic to be at least somewhat of a comfort to as many Shuuneki fans as possible <3


	8. The Truth Untold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki’s kagune is absolutely magnificent. Any one of those bastards would be lucky to be impaled by him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys...it's...ya boi...... updating over a year later in celebration of the hell manga finally ending! Hallelujah. We're finally free...

“Tsukiyama,” Kaneki said, “After 30 minutes are up, I’ll leave the rest to you.”

 

“Oui, my King,” Shuu purred, clutching his hand to his heart.

 

A few hours earlier, the news had come in that the Clowns were on the move. Goat had immediately mobilized, resulting in the mouthwatering scene currently before him. Kaneki’s hair was up, slicked back in the characteristic style of the white suits they’d adopted. He cracked his knuckles menacingly as they strode toward the fighting, and Shuu was confident that the nervous investigators before them would describe their feeling upon seeing the One Eyed King as “terrified and a little turned on.”

 

_That’s my Kaneki,_ Shuu thought fondly. _Beautiful when he’s soft and sweet, beautiful when he’s fierce and deadly. And beautiful when he’s everything in between._

 

“Alright everyone,” Kaneki said, unfurling his kagune. “Remember that our targets are the clowns, not the investigators.”

 

The assembled crowd nodded with varying levels of enthusiasm.

 

Shuu sighed, turning to behead a nearby clown. Kaneki’s reluctance to kill investigators was eventually going to become an issue. But that was a discussion for another time. Right now, he was more concerned about the fact that the clowns were saying things like “happy” and “yummy and fun” as if they were in some sort of weird ass cult.

 

“Even for a circus, their antics are going a bit overboard,” Shuu remarked.

 

“These damn ero masks,” Naki growled from beside him.

 

“I believe you mean ‘pierrot’ masks,” Nishiki murmured, hardly recognizable with his normally shaggy hair slicked back.

 

(When they were getting ready an hour earlier, Shuu had inquired if this unrecognizableness was the reason Nishiki had chosen to forgo wearing a mask. Barely holding back her laughter, Hinami explained that in actuality, Nishiki was too embarrassed to wear his mask after she and Ayato had poked fun at it for looking like some sort of internet meme.)

 

“Naki, don’t stray to far!” Miza yelled in their direction.

 

“Tsukiyama, 13 enemies at 8'o clock!” Hinami hollered.

 

“Nishiki, 10 on your left!” Irimi scolded.

 

Right. It was time to focus.

 

A few feet away, Kaneki stabbed a clown that was about to jump down onto Hirako through the neck. “How repulsive..” Shuu heard a few investigators remark as Kaneki’s thick rinkaku tentacles flew through the air, tearing through the ranks of clowns in its path.

 

_RUDE!_ Shuu glowered, skewering a clown with significantly more force than necessary. _How dare they say such a thing…  Kaneki’s kagune is absolutely magnificent. Any one of those bastards would be lucky to be impaled by him._

 

Kaneki turned and gave Shuu a piercing look, and for a moment Shuu wondered if Kaneki had somehow heard his thoughts.

 

_Either way, I’ll show him the support that fills my heart,_ Shuu determined as he strode forward to join his king. _I’ll protect and serve you with my entire being, my love._

  


Twenty minutes of fighting later, Shuu heard Kaneki calling his name. _It’s getting to be time for my King to be on his way,_ Shuu thought as he held up his watch for Kaneki to see while smoothly cleaving a clown’s head in half with his other arm. Fighting the clowns had turned out to be quite a simple task, and their bodies littered the ground around them. Shuu still felt however, a sense of unease permeating the surrounding area.

 

“Oh fuck,” Shuu heard someone mutter nearby, and he turned just in time to witness a group of dark figures emerge from the crowd and use their swords to kill several of the white suits. Shuu winced as he saw one of them cut loose the top part of Kaneki’s mask with a single swipe. _Kaneki…_

 

“Things have become a tad troublesome, I see,” Shuu said to Nishiki as he listened to the nearby investigators mutter amongst themselves about “main branch special investigators.”

 

“Proof we’ve rustled them up, the fact that these troublesome guys appeared,” Nishiki replied.

 

Shuu frowned and turned to face the nearest special investigator, who put up more of a fight than expected. His kagune clashed against the man’s sword, and then a flash of pain shot through his shoulder as a second sword slipped past his defense and dug into his flesh. Gritting his teeth, Shuu redoubled his efforts and quickly killed the man, huffing in irritation as he felt the flesh in his should start to knit back together again.

 

Moments later, Kaneki’s voice rang out across the area, loud enough to be heard over the din of battle. “Goat, I must leave here ahead of you all,” he called as Fuka hung a black coat over his shoulders. _My coat,_ Shuu noted with a glow of happiness.

 

“Follow Tsukiyama’s orders from here on out,” Kaneki continued, and then turned to lock eyes with Shuu.

 

“Tsukiyama. Strike down the black-clothed fellows and the clowns decisively. Show them that we exist, and are here to stay.”

 

“Oui,” Shuu replied with a smile, shivered a little at the thrill of arousal that ran through his body at the intensity of Kaneki’s gaze.

 

“Gentlemen!” Shuu shouted, turning his attention to the white suits that were now fully under his command. “At last, this is our chance to take our first step forward! Let the world rattle with the sound of the Goat’s hooves!”

 

_Good luck, mon amour,_ Shuu thought as he watched Kaneki turn to leave. _I’ll fight my hardest for you, and make you proud. So please, come back to me safe and sound…_

  
  


Several hours later, Shuu stood panting as he surveyed the scene of corpses strewn throughout the streets in front of him. Buckets of sweat and gore covered his body, and he could just tell that his formerly slicked back hair was a mess. But even so, he couldn’t help but grin.

 

“Guess we really are gonna pull through this, eh…” He remarked to an equally sweaty and disheveled Nishiki beside him.

 

“But not before I puke my guts out,” Nishiki grumbled back.

 

“Looks like we’ve cleaned them up,” Irimi said from a few feet away. “V and the clowns, that is.”

 

“Guys, the others are coming back,” Hinami called out.

 

Sure enough, Shuu felt his heart soaring as he spotted Kaneki appearing over a rooftop a few moments later.

 

“Let’s go,” Kaneki said, looking pensive as he surveyed the scene. Shuu smiled as the two of them locked eyes for a moment across the distance.

 

_He’s back safe, and he doesn’t look much worse for the wear,_ Shuu thought as Kaneki softly returned his smile for a moment. _Our first official act as an organization has been pulled off splendidly. I’m proud of you, my king._

 

 

“You did well,” Shuu told Kaneki later as they made their way back home. Kaneki had just finished telling him about a situation that come up with an investigator named Amon at the lab, which explained the pensive look he’d noticed on Kaneki’s face earlier.

 

“You really did!” Shuu exclaimed as Kaneki rolled his eyes. “Seriously,” Shuu continued, lightly bumping his shoulder against Kaneki’s. “You’ve always been the type to isolate yourself and go at things alone. But today you let yourself rely on all of us. I’m proud of you. And your fighting form was _fantastique_.”

 

Kaneki huffed and looked away, no doubt in embarrassment. But then he bumped his shoulder against Shuu’s in return.

 

“You fought well today, too,” Kaneki murmured shyly. “You were amazing, actually. Thank you.”

 

Shuu beamed the rest of the way home.

  


 

 

“Tsukiyama, how would you feel about a trip to the library today?” Kaneki asked him out of the blue about a week later.

 

Shuu eyed Kaneki carefully. The constant aura of worry surrounded him as it always did, but even so, Kaneki had begun to look a bit brighter in the past few days. Shuu could tell that the news that the investigator Amon had been been brought back safely and sanely had been a relief to him. The news that Akira had woken up was an even greater relief, despite the sadness Shuu knew he felt over her refusal to speak with him.

 

“I would love a trip to the library,” Shuu responded carefully. “But my dear, are you sure you want to take the risk? You know I can get you any books you need…”

 

“I think it should be okay,” Kaneki responded thoughtfully. “The other day Furuta broadcasting my so-called execution as some kind of power stunt, right? For now everyone thinks I’m dead, so no one will be on the lookout for me. A medical mask and a cap to cover my hair should be enough of a disguise.”

 

“Not going to bust out Kaneko again?” Shuu asked with an eyebrow raised.

 

Kaneki laughed. “It’s just a quick trip,” he murmured. “Not worth taking the time to put on all that makeup and everything…”

 

“Regrettable, but also understable,” Shuu said in a teasing tone. “What are you hoping to find, anything in particular?”

 

“Yeah, I want to look for some books covering ghoul history, and the history of the CCG, that sort of thing,” Kaneki said. “Especially things that talk about the original one-eyed ghoul… As I’m planning for the future, I figured it would be wise to learn as much as I can about the past. Not to mention I’m just rusty in general in terms of ghoul history, since I obviously didn’t hear anything about it growing up like the rest of you did.”

 

“That is a good idea,” Shuu agreed. “It’s easy to forget sometimes that you don’t have the inherent cultural knowledge that natural born ghouls have. Plus, it’s always smart for a leader to learn from history, to try to avoid repeating history’s mistakes.”

 

“You think so?” Kaneki grinned. “I’m glad. I brought it up to Touka and she said it was stupid…”

 

Shuu rolled his eyes. _Really, that girl…_ “Ignore her. Her intelligence lies in business management and fighting, and well, that’s about it. She probably thinks that fifty shades is well written.”

 

“Pfffft,” Kaneki laughed, swatting Shuu lightly on the shoulder. “I hate to be mean but, I’m pretty sure you’re right…”

 

“You know I am, baby,” Shuu said with a dramatic hair flip. “Come on. Let’s get you to the library.”

 

    

The library trip went without a hitch. Kaneki and Shuu spent several hours settled in a pair of chairs tucked in a corner, reading in companionable silence. The chairs were positioned across from each other, but when Shuu had stretched his legs out, Kaneki had copied the motion so that their ankles just barely brushed against each other. Shuu knew that it didn’t mean anything, but his heart fluttered all the same. _Calmato, dumbass,_ he told himself. _What are you, some 1800’s dudebro getting hot and bothered over a pair of ankles?_

 

Once they grew tired of sitting, Kaneki chose a few books to check out and bring back with them. Shuu was a bit worried that checking out a bunch of books about ghouls might arouse suspicion, but the bored employee barely gave the two of them a glance. As they stepped back outside into the sunlight, Shuu breathed a sigh of relief and reached to check his phone, which he had been neglecting since putting it in do-not-disturb mode hours earlier. Shuu’s eyes suddenly widened as his screen turned on, filled with missed call notifications from Hori and a few others.

 

“I was thinking, um, maybe we could head to a cafe before going back?” Shuu barely registered Kaneki asking.

 

“Sorry Kaneki, hold on. I think something happened,” Shuu muttered, hitting a few buttons to call Hori back.

 

_“Shuu??? Where are you??”_ Hori’s panicked voice rang shrilly through the speaker as soon as the call connected.

 

“I’m at the library. Hori, is something wrong?”

 

_“Please tell me that Kaneki is with you,”_ Hori responded without answering his question.

 

“He’s right here, Hori what’s-”

 

“There’s no time, you have to get yourselves to my place right now. Keep a low profile, but fucking hurry okay? Be ready to fight. I’ll explain when you get here, I have to go now.”

 

“Alright, thank you Chie,” Shuu said softly, knowing better than to try to continue the conversation. He ended the call and turned to Kaneki, who was staring at him in confusion.

 

“We have to get to Hori’s place immediately,” Shuu told him. “I don’t know what’s happened, but she said to be ready to fight.”

 

 

Upon their arrival at Hori’s, they were greeted by a frazzled Nishiki, who sighed in relief as soon as he opened the door.

 

“Thank fuck you idiots are alright,” he said, pulling them inside and bolting the door behind them. “Come down to the basement, Hori will explain what’s happening.”

 

“Fruit Boy’s gone nuts,” Hori said moments later. “While you two were out on your cutsie library date and not answering your fucking phones, the CCG started broadcasting this shit. Apparently the public execution of Kaneki's stunt double was just the beginning.”

 

Hori spun in her chair positioned in front of an impressive array of monitors, and hit play on a video. A pile of bodies appeared on screen, on top of which stood Furuta who was seemingly giving some sort of speech. Surrounding him was a group of masked children dressed in black, holding up severed heads in the background. As a jarring contrast to this scene, Shuu could see a group of teen girls amongst the watching crowd, holding up fans with Furuta’s face printed on them as though they were at their favorite idol’s concert. _What is this world becoming?_ Shuu wondered, shooting Hori a questioning look.

 

“He’s declared his intent to exterminate the entire ghoul population,” Hori said with a frown. “I’ve been in contact with Miza, Ayato, Yomo, and several others, to tell them to get to my safehouses. It sounds like most of the unfortunate individuals in that pile are from one of our own bases. None of our main players were killed, but it’s still a blow...”

 

Kaneki frowned. “Where did this all come from? We had no inkling of anything like this. Those children in black…”

 

“According to Yomo, they use Kagunes,” Nishiki spoke up. “There seems to be almost 100 of them, and they tracked us down in the space of a single day. I think it’s safe to guess that they’re relying primarily on their sense of smell to track down ghouls.”

 

“They must be Q’s, then…” Kaneki said thoughtfully. “We’re going to have to dissolve all bases. Large groups of ghouls hiding together isn’t going to work anymore, if they can smell us. We’re going to have to always be on the move from here on out. We’ll split into squads, meet up at certain agreed upon locations-”

 

“Well, we don’t necessarily need to do that,” Hori interrupted. “I built these safehouses with the intention of hiding ghouls, remember? Every single one has a large basement level just like the one we’re in now. I can’t house your entire organization, obviously, that’s why I only gave codes to certain people. But kids, and the injured, people that are a liability when moving around a lot… those, I can shelter.”

 

“You also have secure communications between the safe houses, don’t you Hori?” Shuu asked. “It would be great if we could use that as a way to keep in touch with everyone in the organization.”

 

“Right, we can do that. It doesn’t completely solve the issues that will arise with all of our bases dissolved, but at least communications will come more easily,” Hori confirmed.

 

Kaneki blinked. “You’re right, thank you Hori. This does make things much easier.”

 

Hori grinned and threw up a peace sign. “You’d all be lost without me.”

 

“Hori, what about the kids then?” Kaneki asked. “I should go out and get them, bring them to one of the houses…”

 

“You will do no such thing,” Nishiki butted in. “Ayato and Hinami are taking care of it, it’s fine. You will stay right here. The faster everyone goes into hiding, the better.”

 

“But, I need to-” Kaneki began protesting.

 

“Chill out, Kaneki,” Hori said. “I think you’re forgetting this has been an ongoing situation for hours now. Our biggest issue has been figuring out where the fuck you and Tsukiyama were and then getting you both here safely. You have extremely competent people working under you. Just let them do their jobs.”

 

Kaneki looked unhappy, but he nodded.

 

“Come on Kaneki,” Nishiki walked over and wrapped his arm around Kaneki’s shoulder, speaking in a slightly forced cheerful tone. “Hori’s weird girlfriend is pulling out extra futons and bedding for us to sleep on, let’s go and claim the good ones before the others show up. Tsukiyama, you come too.”

 

“No need,” Shuu answered. “I’ve got a room here already. You two go ahead, I need to speak to Hori.”

 

Once the two had disappeared into another room, Hori leaned over and punched Shuu in the arm. “I can’t believe you didn’t check your phone all that time, dumbass!” she scolded. “You realize how much trouble you caused me?”

 

“I’m sorry to make you worry,” Shuu said genuinely, sensing that beneath Hori’s tough exterior she really had been out of her mind with worry. “Thank you for taking care of all this, you’ve really done splendidly. I need to ask, though, is my father amongst one of those you’ve been in contact with?”

 

“Yes, he’s fine,” Hori replied. “I called him at work and he went straight to the house I had nearby. It’s the same one that Ayato and Hinami are bringing the kids to, last I heard he was preparing for them. We’ll probably be getting a call from them soon.”

 

Shuu sighed in relief. “Thank goodness,” he murmured.

  


As Hori predicted, a call came through from Mirumo within the next hour reporting that Ayato and Hinami had arrived safely with the children Goat was sheltering. As the evening wore on, calls came in from various others reporting that they were safe. The group of them sat in tense silence in front of Hori’s array of monitors, watching the news commentators discussing the events of the day in hopes of getting a better grasp of what Furuta was planning. In between worrying about the imminent danger to their lives, Shuu couldn’t help but sneak glances and Hori and her girlfriend Uhm. Uhm had barely said anything the entire time they had been there, but she didn’t seem shy about draping her small frame around Hori’s and occasionally planting kisses on her neck. More than anything, Shuu wished that he could do the same for Kaneki, offering comfort in the form of a warm embrace and gentle kisses. But of course, Kaneki would never feel that way toward him.

 

_If I could move on from Kaneki, would it be possible to have such a relationship with someone else?_ Shuu tried to picture such a scenario, but found he could not. As always, Kaneki was as far as his heart and mind could see, whether it was good for him or not.

 

 

 

Some time around sunset, Yomo and Touka arrived.

 

“Did you run into any trouble closing up the shop?” Hori asked as they walked in.

 

“No,” Touka responded with a scowl, slamming a box of items that she’d no doubt taken from :re before leaving.

 

Seated beside him, Shuu felt Kaneki flinch the slightest bit. He pressed his leg into Kaneki’s ever so slightly, just to let him know he was there. A warm glow surged through his heart as he felt the slight pressure returned.  

 

“We had sort of a weird close call,” Yomo explained, setting his own box down. “After we put the closed sign up and whatnot, someone that might have been an investigator came and looked through the window. They couldn’t tell we were there and left right away, so no harm done, probably… But it still put us all on edge, felt creepy.”

 

“Koma was saying, it’s a good thing we didn’t all meet up at :re to deal with this like we normally might. Like, we cheated fate or something,” Touka added.

 

“Where are Koma and Irimi, by the way?” Nishiki asked. “I thought we’d have the whole :re crew coming.”

 

“They decided they’d stay on the move rather than hide out,” Yomo answered. “I don’t think they were excited to live in a basement. Uhh, no offense Hori, it’s a very nice basement. Very high tech.” Yomo looked around a bit warily at all the computers, no doubt remembering the hours of his life he’d spent attempting to send simple emails.

 

At this point, Uhm emerged from another room with a pile of blankets, which she abruptly tossed in the general direction of the two new arrivals. “I set out futons for you two, so like, go to sleep,” she said sharply.

 

“But it’s only 8 pm?” Yomo furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.  

 

“Babe, come on, be nice,” Hori said to Uhm with a giggle, walking over and cuddling the other woman. “Don’t worry about her,” Hori stage whispered to the others, grinning impishly. “She just wants you all to go to bed so we can fuuuuck~”

 

“Oh god eww, tmi!” Nishiki yelled, scrunching his face up. “No one wants to hear about that!”

 

“Oh come one, we’re all adults here,” Hori retorted. “What are you, some prude?”

 

“I’m not- what?” Nishiki coughed. “If anyone, that would be Yomo over there! He’s the prude!”

 

“Wait, no,” Yomo protested, looking distressed. “Is it because of my clothes? Uta always says their boring, but that does not reflect upon my sex life!”

 

“You say that like you have one! Prude!” Touka jumped in, and the others laughed while Yomo sputtered out attempts to defend himself.

 

From beside him, Shuu heard Kaneki sigh. “It’s a good thing we brought those books back from the library, huh?” Kaneki murmured.

 

“Yeah...” Shuu answered, rubbing his forehead. “It’s going to be a long few weeks stuck in here with this lot…”

  


 

Shuu’s prediction turned out to be very unfortunately correct. Tensions were high in days that followed, and even the fact that most of them were on at least vaguely friendly terms didn’t prevent at least one or two battle of wills from breaking out on a daily basis. The worst one so far had occurred between Touka and Uhm, who had not managed to warm up to each other whatsoever.

 

“I just think it’s pretty fucking sketchy that you’re always covered in all that shit!” Shuu and Kaneki had overheard Touka screaming one day. “No one even knows what your face looks like, you could be anyone!”

 

“This ‘shit’ is high fashion, you basic bitch!” Uhm had retorted. “You could learn something from it, half the shirts you wear make your boobs look like they came out of a shitty video game, it’s like you wear boxes instead of bras! And you should be glad you can’t see much of my face, I’m so hot that you’d immediately turn into a lesbian as soon as you saw it and spend the rest of you life suffering from you unrequited love for me.”

 

Kaneki and Shuu were both seated inside Shuu’s room, reading the history books from the library. “Do you suppose we should...get involved?” Kaneki had said hesitantly, raising an eyebrow.

 

“ _Non,”_ Shuu had answered, glancing tiredly at the door. “Let’s just pretend we can’t hear them.”

 

Kaneki had nodded in relief. “I think they’re both smart enough to not kill each other…”

 

In addition to the frequent squabbling, there was one more thing to make Shuu’s current life hell, and that was Touka herself. She constantly made a point to be around Kaneki, talking to him about whatever she felt like and clinging to him unnecessarily. Shuu was trying to push down his feelings of jealousy, he really was. Touka’s interest in Kaneki was becoming difficult for anyone to ignore. If this was a dumb heteronormative book, the two would probably be together already, he knew that. And knowing that life was also dumb and heteronormative, he could see that it was probably only a matter of time. Kaneki cared deeply for Touka, despite the way she treated him. As long as she wasn’t actively punching Kaneki in the face, Shuu knew it would be incredibly selfish to interfere just because of his own feelings. Besides, it wasn’t as if his own record was clear, in terms of treating Kaneki badly.

 

Shuu told himself these things, but it didn’t do anything to stop the mass of negative feelings that settled on his heart like a dark cloud. Which is why when one of Naki’s men came by to deliver a few boxes of his and Kaneki’s stuff from the old hideout, Shuu was incredibly grateful for the brief distraction. After thanking the man, Shuu approached Kaneki’s room to let him know the news. Upon hearing Touka’s voice through Kaneki’s cracked door however, Shuu stopped dead, jealousy twisting in his gut.   

 

“When you were a dove, you used to come to :re by yourself sometimes, right?” Shuu heard Touka say. “You’d sit down and crack open a book. But… you’d often look at me. And I recognized that gaze, it was the same gaze you’d look at Rize with.”

 

A pregnant pause ensued as Kaneki said nothing.

 

“...No?” Touka asked.

 

Kaneki exhaled. “Haise…” he muttered. “I...I was such an idiot,” he said a bit louder.

 

“Then I guess I’m more of an idiot, for feeling happy about being looked at like that.” Touka said.

 

Behind the door, Shuu groaned inaudibly. _She’s really confessing now? Right now? Why do I have to listen to this?_

 

_You don’t,_ a selfish voice inside him said. _Just walk in there and interrupt them. Keep her away from him._

 

_But it’s not right,_ he argued back. _I can’t go around ruining Kaneki’s chances at happiness because of my own selfish feelings._

 

_But you love him._

 

_I do love him. But he’ll never love me and I have to let him go. Because I love him._

 

_Fine, be that way,_ the voice said, sounding exasperated. _But Touka? She fucking sucks. So maybe you should pull your dumb overdramatic ‘I have to let him go!’ bullshit some other time, when someone comes around that’s actually good for Kaneki._

 

Shuu frowned. _But… that isn’t my place to judge. And the longer I wait, the harder it will be for me, emotionally. I need to think of myself, too._

 

On the other side of the door another awkward silence stretched out, Kaneki likely being too embarrassed to respond right away. In spite of the situation Shuu couldn’t help but feel fond, thinking back to how shy and sweet Kaneki had always been, right from the first day they met.

 

But the seconds were ticking by, and that silence was going to break one way or another.

 

_You have to make a decision, Shuu. Now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone still reading after all this time, I thank you and love you. I want to apologize for not updating for such a long time. There's a lot of reasons why, but the biggest one is that I am, quite frankly, a very bitter bitch.  
> I still love Shuuneki as much as ever, they deserve a better story than they got. The manga's descent into a heterosexual writing disaster has been, of course, quite disappointing in itself. I'm real bitter. On top of that the advent of toeken enabled a large and vocal chunk of the fandom to spew a lovely mixture of harmful cisheteronormative, abuse apologist and homophobic rhetoric. Not everyone obviously, but it's enough I'm still to this day occasionally blocking people for it. Big Yikes. Anyway though, I do my best not to look at and dwell on things that piss me off, so I mostly withdrew from the fandom, bought about $200 worth of Shuuneki doujinshis in a single day to cope, and joined the kpop fandom, which ironically used to be the fandom I hated most until the tg fandom took that title, lol. Life sure goes in strange directions.  
> But since I'm on summer break currently I've been working on this fic again, and I figured I'd finally go and post this to counteract whatever mess the last chapter of :re is gonna be. I'll do my best to update again soon.

**Author's Note:**

> (╭☞ಠ◡ಠ)╭☞ [my tumblr](http://deathtopi4.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> [Chapter Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLE3ECQ7hw3HHmWbviNVl_zvEqvnn3vp5F)


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